breathings of my heart

last sunset of 2010. beautiful, magical, perfect.

2011 = synchronicity {my fave!}

one resolution :: love

here's to new beginnings ♥

so here's where i am right now...

i know there is something here, right here, that i am on the brink of. but still, i have no idea what it is. which sounds hilarious, really. because in truth, we DO know what lives inside of us that deeply wants to get out. we DO know our innermost pleasures and secrets that are dying to get out. but there's something - something - that keeps holding me away from knowing it. why?

the answer lays waiting in the whys...

i do know that i love to write. and i love to draw and paint and create. i have this strange unique way of journaling & lettering out things mixed with art. i have all of that, and still, i wait. what i think i am waiting for is to find MY voice. what it is that I want to say, or create or do or be. in the way that I want to do it.

so i sit patiently and wait. and sometimes not so patiently and wait. because i know it's there. and i know it's ME that keeps me from it.

but with light there is dark, and with dark i see in its center, the light. i swirl them, mixing the colors on my palette holding my brush in front of the blank canvas and all i can really do is let go. trust that whatever these mixed colors do through my hand will become a painting. this is how it always goes: my within showing up without.

and i will love it. because it will be me. my voice. ♥

so yesterday, my man & i were steeped in the middle of some contrast. and for some reason, my mind went back - like, waayy back - to how we reacted before. and i think this is because his did too. it's just so funny. we are no longer those people, we don't react like that anymore. you know, all separate and angsty, and letting our minds wander to places that are dark and questiony. and for a second, i totally let myself feel those old feelings and think those old thoughts.

and then i asked myself, why? why is this happening?
and calmly and clearly as it always comes, the answer was, YOU are creating it.
and me, screechy and annoying, omg, why> why would i do that?!
great question. the calm voice answers. what is it you need to play with?

oh, so funny. and at the same time, so fucking brilliant! what a way to look at this life we are leading, huh? what do i want to play with today?

that's how my life goes these days. nothing is really that serious. even though i texted him, and he didn't reply (just like the old days, when we deliberately got all caught up in control games with each other, lol), it was almost hard to stay thinking about it. but, i did talk to my heartfriend Tracy about it. for some reason, i still needed to get out the drama of it all.

god, T, i skype her, all exasperated. it's just that he takes material things as more important than human feelings.
and Trace, in her infinite wisdom, lets me rant away, as she serenely tells me a story about herself getting all haired out over something trivial too, ending with honey, it's a Leo trait, they have issues with needing to look good and be perfect. like seriously, all the time.
i laugh. she makes me laugh. god, i love her for that.

and so when he gets home, he tries not to look at me, but our eyes meet anyway. and i ask if he's ignoring me still, and he asks if i'm still judging him like i used to, and then we both can't help but smile. the game is over. it doesn't hold any charge because it's so not who we even are anymore. his hug later, impromptu in the living room is healing and joyful, and we hold it a little longer than usual. heart-to-heart, the way we have always instinctively known repairs anything, everything.

and here's the thing. the moral of this story:
the joy of life now seems to in part come from contrast. because it's really never that bad when you stay in the moment. when you unconditionally trust. we know that everything is okay, gets taken care of, and in fact, is getting better & better. that is the underlying harmony of everything now. but as humans, we still like that little jolt, right? the blood pumping electricity. so we find something to play with.

it seems like lately, i have been finding all kinds of avenues to play in, and damn if i don't fully appreciate and love this life.

thank you~

i've come to a whole new place regarding friendship. i love how bumps like this don't have to become mountains anymore. that when i stay centered in myself and in my knowing, the only thing that can come out of it is good.

my girlfriend and i had the most open and honest talk the day after i wrote this. it felt amazing and i felt so scared and vulnerable at the same moments that i felt powerful and proud of myself. i felt alive! and so did she. and when you stay in that place of truth, you can still be emotional and say what you feel, but it isn't about bashing anyone, it is simply about finding the core of the problem and speaking from the heart about it to each other. i love this friend for hanging in there and wanting authenticity AND our friendship as much as i did.

my heart overflows for interactions like this in my life. thank you!

and doing things like this, sharing from the heart in pure honesty without needing to blame anyone or anything else for where *I* am in my life, is amazing. it opens up more avenues for authenticity. it's like a snowball effect. unconditional love for yourself and for others, mixed with this genuine unconditional trust in the Universe, knowing that everything is happening exactly the way it's supposed to for you and your life is the way i want to be. the way i want to live. because it feels SO good, there are no words.

and from this interaction, others were birthed. being able to hold a space of clarity in my interactions last week while making some pretty big decisions felt great. i can come from this place of harmony for others AND truly honor myself.

we are all imperfect. and the whole point is to understand that, embrace it even, and love each other ... anyway. maybe not needing to repair a broken friendship that no longer fits or to be involved in a group that no longer feels like it's expansive in your life, but being able to unconditionally love the individuals anyway - allowing them to be, do, have what they want, while staying true to what you really want too.

ahhh. this feels so good.

SO grateful for everything that happened and changed last week, and ready to see what's in store this week :)

today i am pondering friendship.

what does it mean?

my mother taught me how to spell friend by telling me that it ended in "end" - as in, you are friends till the end.

i believed her.

sometimes i feel like i hold things too closely, too sacredly, too much in my heart. i trust and i let go and i give of myself and then i question why after something goes awry. i'm not even sure why or how it went awry either. then i question myself ... like, maybe i'm just naive and a sap and only see the best in people. maybe i don't see clearly, and that's how i get blindsided.

oh, hell.

who knows? but questioning myself just feels like shit, so i give that up and go back to knowing that everything is happening as it should. nothing is a coincidence, it's all perfection and grace in action. i can only be me. and if i love who i am, it really doesn't matter who else does, or why they choose not to. i know i've done nothing wrong. i know i've done everything right. so what is there to really question?

there's this little part of me that wants to rant and rave and say wtf? to lay it all out and ask why all of HER choices ended up making her upset with me. because seriously. nothing could be lamer or feel crappier. but writing that made me laugh. it's really just funny. it's really just life. and there may be some truth to that cliche saying about some friends being in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

i can't change any of it. i wouldn't want to stop having connections that expand me and inspire me and make me feel open and happy just to wonder if maybe this friendship is going to be short-lived. i'm doing my best lately to live with my whole heart. and to live like that in my friendship world would totally contradict everything encompasses.

i think, however, that i will be a little keener about the signs i pick up, about how this friend seemed to take much more than she ever gave, that i spilled things way too easily because i felt like we were simpatico, that she got it, that she got me. and oh what a high that is, to think we have come across a soulmate. someone to share with who will hold you as dear as you hold them. or really, as dear as you hold YOU.

i have that in my life, and god, i am grateful for it. but it's not the cutout that most relationships are made from. so, i humbly accept that. and i accept me, for everything i am anyway.

i accept my imperfections and theirs. i love them for theirs and i love me for mine. i love knowing that it's all okay. it's all a learning experience, it makes me grow, it makes me bloom in ways i didn't know were possible.

standing in vulnerability with my arms open, my heart bleeding, looking up to the sky letting the rain hit my face melding with the tears.

fresh.

I want to write again. I've been feeling a big stirring inside to write a story, the one that lives inside of me and for some reason keeps peeking its head out and then tucking back in, like a shadow. Why? Why keep letting it hide? Why not write and write and keep writing until something that resembles a novella, a story, an essay -- something, anything meaningful comes out.

I can.

***

Life here feels a little like it's on hold. I tilt my head and listen. For what? I ask. I hear the sound of the rain on the skylight and the tick and hum of the heater. In the distance I hear a crow caw, and that feels the most like my heart right now. Calling out, screeching almost. I don't want to feel restless anymore, I want to feel fulfilled and relaxed. HA! My mind actually laughed at that as I was writing it. Fulfilled and relaxed? it echoes. Oh really? And isn't that what you have been up until now? So then, pray tell, why are you so friggin bored?

I guess it's that time again. Time to shake things up like a snowglobe.

I'm ready.

He texts me. I answer. Then he calls me, "I wanted to hear your voice," he says simply. This means he is gauging my mood. Or sometimes it means he misses me. The connection between us is alive. Electric. Energy swirling between his body, his vessel, and mine. We didn't create this, it is bigger than we are. It is it's own entity :: love. It is the one thing in this life I can always and forever count on. When we are together, we hug heart to heart and the conduit is opened between us. The flow pours through me to him, and back again. We know how to fill each other up without really knowing at all. When we are apart, we imagine. I close my eyes and my imagination soars. I trust it now, it doesn't often fail me. My visions are my truth.

My life has become swirly and magical. I want to share it with the world.

One love~

check out my new facebook page Breathings of My Heart ~ my art and snippets from my hand-written blogs are there. i kinda love it.

flying free,
~me ♥

it's so intriguing to me how time moves. i think about writing here often, but then i look and it's been a month between posts. i just keep waffling about how i want to write here, how much of myself to lay on the line.

i had a birthday yesterday, it was divine. beginning with a big homemade by my man & offspring with love brunch of eggs benedict, oven roasted pototoes, mini cinnamon rolls, fruit, creamy cafe au lait, and mimosas. the big girls & their respective beaus were all here, so there were ten of us. i love that we've gone from "party of seven" to "party of ten". i love the number 10. it is my initials, after all.

we had an amazing day and then drove to Tacoma to see my brother & sister-in-law, whose birthday is the same day as mine, for their baby boy's first birthday party. Boen is the cutest thing. i dreampt of him before he was born, more than once. he is quiet, but we link eyes & there is a knowing from somewhere beyond this time & space.

today feels slower somehow, like my body is catching up to what is. i'm in jello time, i feel swoony and a little tired. and very blissful. i love my life. this year is going to be amazing.

the air changes. the leaves turn.
change is in the air
and i ride it like a wave.
my heart floods with wonder
what next?
i ask the heavens.
in response, there in music
soft music in my ears
that touches my heart.
~more~
it answers.
the time seems to be
in such swift motion lately
and i wonder
is it really moving this quickly
or am i just catching up with it?
♡

How do you look back upon 25 years? How do you tell the story of a life that began with two people, kids really, barely out of teenage years, who joined together because of a force that is stronger than the both of them? How do you get anyone else to feel the innocence and magic of the beginning and the deep richness that was born from that. The pain, the fiery arguments, the looks in each other's eyes, the love. The tearing down and the building up.

The ebb and flow of the day in and day out of a life the two of us built together. We created life, gave birth together, held each other in the deepest grief. We separated and came together again. And here we stand, still holding hands. Knowing that each other is our witness, our rock, our recharging battery. I read once that we can grow so much in life being able to be fully ourselves, witnessed by another human being, and loved anyway. No matter what. That in that breeds some kind of safe feeling, a place to fall and still be held. Being a part of a love that lasts forever, beyond time, is a gift. I hold it in my hands gently. He is my best friend, my lover, my partner, my mate. But really, there are no words for what he is to me. There is no way to convey the story of this life we have lived together. All i can really say is that I am so, so grateful...

In my dreams, he is always there. He is the one I go to sleep with and wake up next to. His kisses are like breathing. And his eyes, the ones that felt like home when I first looked into them still pierce my soul. I fall into them, and I know that nothing will ever change that.

He and I ... it's not perfect. It's not without pain. But the constant is us. And we will continue falling in love forever.

**happy 25th, baby. I love you**

i believe that each of us is a candle shining brightly ♡ we are all love ♡ when our flames touch ♡ we can light another & another & another...

share your love ♥ can you think of a more precious amazing beautiful gift?

i see them from my bedroom window, awaken to a beautiful sea of green each morning. the boughs have formed a heart-shape

the vines reach upward to the sky. they tell me things like trust, freedom, you can reach for more

these 2 trees, side by side, are love. their branches reach out and wrap around each other. they teach me lessons of unconditional love, of faith, of growing together in harmony

trees know how to flow with the weather, they bend with the wind, they don't fight against anything. they teach me patience, and flow. they teach me so much. i love you, sweet trees

i am swooning in admiration for those who are open, writing from the soul & baring their hearts for all to see.

i want this. i want to be able to share with you all in that way. maybe that's not even true. maybe what i really want is to do this for myself. maybe i want to write for me.

starting from what point, i wonder. where do i begin?

maybe with sharing some things about me - whatever pops into my head, and see where that takes me.....

{blink blink blink goes the curser ... waiting, patiently}

:: i've always loved writing. as a kid i was way more open and imaginative than i am now. ack-i need to change that limiting belief: i am just as open and imaginative now, or more :)

:: my dog is annoying me right now for some reason. she digs in the garbage & i get mad at her, and it's this circle game we play. i like that she loves me no matter what i do, and i think that lesson she gives me every day is a huge one. and i am grateful for seeing it right now.

:: the other night, while my husband was working out, he was sitting on his workout bench, and i stood before him and looked into his soulful beautiful brown eyes, and ran my hands down his outstretched gorgeous arms. i breathed him in, and he pulled me closer and breathed in too. we do this often, it recharges us somehow.

:: thinking about that, and the way we were both present in the moment together makes me fill with love. for everything. i think that is what life is really all about, those moments.

:: those are the moments i want to capture somehow, to write about, to share. i want to find prose for the beauty and the pain and the inbetween of life as we live it. i believe in sharing our stories because it connects us from that invisible string, deep in our bellies, to each other. even though we are all unique and our stories are different, there is this underlying wave of emotion that finds something in this bare truth telling to be a glue that holds us together. it sparks our own baring of the soul, and it sparks a remembering so deep.

remember.

my story is mystery~~intertwined. Letting go of any need to control it, little by little... this feels so good, freeing and wrapped in trust, able to flow on the playful wave of the unknown. This used to feel scary to me, now it is becoming the new natural. i love this.

tomorrow I begin a 10 day cleanse, i'm excited for it. Ready. i know it is going to bring up so much inside of me, and I am hoping to be able to share it here. i am hoping that the flood gates i open up inside will be transferable to this page. i vow to at least try … for you and for me, a sort of recorded reflection of my inner and outer changes & discoveries. I feel so light & airy. So open. the journey of delving inside has been so beautiful for me these past few years, and i am so grateful for where i am and for who i am becoming.

Somehow intertwined with everything, one. A beautiful mystery unfolding before my eyes.

I sit out back on the concrete steps just outside the french doors. The breeze is blowing, the sun is shining. I breathe in. Colors dance around me, in their springtime playfulness, as the hazy sun shines through the young bright leaves as they sway.

My son and my man have bows in their hands, and they pull them back to their cheeks and let arrows fly into the target on the fence. The woosh of the arrow matches the woosh of the wind, and the thud of the arrow hitting is fast and hard. The boys look at each other and discuss technique, and I sit, taking it all in. A boychild we thought we'd never have, growing tall now, and my husband with his hand on his shoulder guiding him. It's a dance, and the love between them is easy, gentle, beautiful, and strong - all at the same time.

It is early morning and I awaken as I roll over. I love to sleep in on weekends in our big bed, it is so soft and warm and comforting. The fans blow softly around me and the rhythm of my man's breathing calms me and sends me back into a dream-filled sleep…

I am youthful and petite in the way that young women are, wearing a flowy pink slip of a sundress and white flip flops. Freckles spatter across my face from the sunshine. I’m in a field of wildflowers and when the wind blows, the warm sweet scent of them flows through my long blond hair. I look behind me just before he, young and virile with full wavy hair, grabs my waist and pulls me toward him. We laugh. My stomach flutters with the excitement of new love and I turn and reach up and look into his eyes. He smiles at me with a look that makes me want to know him. He draws me in and talks to me through the sparkles in his eyes and nothing more. I can’t resist, so I lick my lips as I look straight at his and kiss him. He loves that I am the one who kissed him first, I can tell by the way he looks at me and the way his body feels against mine. In that moment we are both so alive with the feeling of love for each other and even more, the knowledge that the intensity of that love is returned. We fall down into the soft grass and wildflowers and kiss some more. The wind blows.

The air from the fan slides across the quilt and I roll over and start to float away from my dream and instinctively reach for him as the orange sun peers through the blinds. The covers fall away and the air from the fan sweeps across our bodies. He moves. I look at his face with my sleep-filled eyes and there are wrinkles where there used to be none, but when he opens his soft brown eyes, the look he gives me is still the same. His solid warm body feels the same against my soft one. He puts his hand through my hair and kisses me.

“Do you smell wildflwers?” he asks sleepily.

IT'S TIME TO STEP COMPLETELY OUT OF THE BOX. UNLIMITED THINKING.

I love this {thank you, Sierra}. Adventure. Unlimited possibilities. Step in. Swim in something new and exciting. Make each day something exciting! This is how I want to live my life right now, this is what's calling me. I am seeing things around me that are signs, and I know it's all me talking to me. I am ready. So ready!

“Tell me what will you do with your wild and precious life?”

-Mary Oliver

The ancient Essene masters viewed the human body as a convergence point through which the forces of creation join to express the Divine Will. For this reason, they regarded our body as a sacred place; a temple for our soul.
It is within our body-temple that the forces of the cosmos unite as an expression of time, space, spirit and matter. More precisely, it is within the experience of time and space that spirit works through matter to find the fullest expressions honoring life.

The Issaiah Effect by Gregg Braden

everything around me is telling me to write. it is whispered in the winds. i can either take it to heart, soak it up and listen, or ignore it.

i think i will listen.

what does this mean for me? i'm not sure. writing more here again? writing a story? writing poetry, or delving into my handwritten journals more? i'm not sure. but i trust that the answer is there, wrapped neatly in the task.

***

i do know that right now is a time of clearing out for me. sort of like spring cleaning. there are so many wonderous things surrounding me, so many things that fill my soul. and then there are things that don't feel good anymore, that simply don't fit. and so, i lovingly let them go. i give them closure and say goodbye. there is power in goodbye. i feel that so strongly now. it's all a choice. the great gift of this life is free will. i choose what to put my focus on, and in that i give it life.

what is it that i want to give life to?
beauty
love
peace
joy
softness
harmony
song
dance
playfulness
sweetness
gratitude
compassion
understanding
humility
valor
forgiveness
♥

The flow. The transition. This moment. The magic it can bring.

What I've been feeling lately and knowing in that space deep inside my heart is that it really is that stillness, the release, that makes a difference in this life. It is the line between control and ease. It is trust in the truest sense of the word.

In the middle of the chaos that surrounds me--the children who need something, the others who are squabbling, the dog chasing the squirrel, the husband coming out of the shower with that look ... and me, just wanting nothing more than to write from my soul--I can be the observer, or I can become a part of it. Each space has a life of its own, and in each moment is a choice.

I know can not control any of it, I only ride along. The wave carries me this way and that, and I cherish those times when my heart takes over and my mind falls away. Everything is surreal then, so beautiful. Perfection.

I can see each thing play out from a place that is high on a mountaintop, and I feel the interplay with my whole being. Peace overcomes, and I allow everyone around me do what is in their souls too from that vantage point, as I release my grip on any of it. On anything and everything. It is liquid. Water, moving on its own, in its own way, and I become as still as I can be. The current owns that space.

Life is just a series of plans. Plans you make that don't come to fruition, or take sharp turns. My life is full to the brim with things I have created. I can choose to look at them with love, because they are mine, or I can kick and scream and try to wrench them into something that they are not, because they are not 'perfect'. Because they're not what I expected or asked for. Because I wanted something different, and my spring vacation didn't go as planned when the money wasn't there yet; or the alone time to write I had hoped for was interrupted by my man or my child or both; or a call with friends didn't happen when the internet was disconnected.

I can question all of this, or I can take the moments as they come, imperfect as they are, and become one with my life the way it is. And in that, I can realize what a gift the flip was: I can love the fluctuation, the movement, the interruption.

That constant flow is alive. It is life force itself. And in the morning light, when the sun comes through the window slats, bringing in a New Day, and the rainbows dance on the wall from the hanging crystals, I open my eyes and whisper Thank You. Still in the dreamy opaque place where intuition and feeling prevails, my soul is stirred. And I get so clearly: Trust life. Let go. Do nothing. Allow.

And inevitably, it always turns out that the plan that didn't go as it was supposed to, becomes a thing of art. When I can slow down the ebb and flow and stop in the moment, not asking for more or think beyond it and become stillness itself, that moment becomes The Magic of Life. Just there in harmony. It is so beautiful my eyes are blinded, but I take a photograph with my heart.

I have found the paradoxes never end in this life. Life is playful and it likes to tell a new story, one you haven't thought of yet. Befriend that.

Trust life. It really is the most beautiful thing.

Mountain Story...
(An old favorite)
A son and his father were walking on the mountains.
Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
Curious, he yells: "Who are you?"
He receives the answer: "Who are you?"
And then he screams to the mountain: "I admire you!"
The voice answers: "I admire you!"
Angered at the response, he screams: "Coward!"
He receives the answer: "Coward!"
He looks to his father and asks: "What's going on?"
The father smiles and says: "My son, pay attention."
Again the man screams: "You are a champion!"
The voice answers: "You are a champion!"
The boy is surprised, but does not understand.
Then the father explains:
"People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE.
It gives you back everything you say or do.
Our life is simply a reflection of our actions.
If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart.
If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.
This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life.
Life will give you back everything you have given to it."

YOUR LIFE IS NOT A COINCIDENCE.
IT'S A REFLECTION OF YOU!

I look over at him and touch his muscled arm. He is perfection in his thin grey cotton sweater and faded jeans.

Are you tired? I ask him. I don't even know why, but his eyes meet mine, and I just know.

No. He answers. And then he yawns and smiles at me. Maybe.

I look over at him and flood with feeling. And I wonder when it was that I became so attached.

***

There are seeds we plant inside of us. Hope seeds, Love seeds, Joy seeds. Today, I will get my hands dirty and I will plant some seeds.

***

I look back and try to recall when it was that we made the switch. The Big Change. How we got to this place of bliss we live in now. It wasn't always like this.

We have always loved each other fiercely. We have always had a very passionate relationship. He came to me when I was clear inside that I didn't need a man in my life. Then, like magic, he was there and not only was he there, but it was insanely synchronistic and he was this crazy impossible compilation of the most perfect aspects of everyone I had ever loved up to that point. It all just fell together so quickly, so perfectly. No one could plan something like that. And the most amazing part of it all was that he felt exactly the same way.

It was as though our love never really had a beginning--it just was. But I believe that's because our love has never had an ending.

But this lifetime, this love we've both chosen to have, we are raw and open, passionate and secure in some unknown force that binds us. But if we pull within or close up, we fight and the fiery side takes over. We feel each other so much that we ebb and flow with each other's moods, sometimes getting tangled in it, and it feels as if we may sink. But, then The Big Change happened, and we have learned to flow together, and stay floating. To be completely open the way we were when we first met. To trust and allow and be and let be what it was meant to be. Free, authentic, blissful. Love.

Inspire is my word today. I love that word, it feels so good. To inspire is to be inspired. I see so many people around me opening up and making big changes in their lives. It is amazing how people are coming into their truth, as if it can no longer be contained. It is fantastically inspiring.

I know for me, I am feeling very clear. I feel like a cup overflowing with feeling, and I know that is what I am here to share. Let it spill out of all of you, your truth and wisdom and love. It's all one, just as we are all one. Ride the wave, the water beneath us always supports us. It's that simple, don't fight the natural flow of your life, hook into it.

I feel like NOW is the time to make some bold choices in our lives, to feel your way, to get clear inside. Love yourself. And then make choices that really matter. That are authentic, that speak to your heart. Think big, see the big picture, it is no longer time for small choices. In 10 years, where do you want to be? Who do you want to be? Be brave, surrender to who you are, step forward.

We are all in this together, making choices in our lives that affect the others around us. Let's hold hands and take the leap together.

love ... it really is the answer. that i know for sure.

❤

I finally got it. It's funny - what you are looking for is always right in front of you. I am here to guide people to feeling love. The clearer I become internally in who I am, the more the frequency of love pours through me like water. I am so grateful for everything that is coming to me now. I am flowing in my knowing. I am love. I will be a beacon for love.

❤

This morning during my blissful meditation, I was wanting to know what it is I am supposed to be doing and my inner voice said to me "take my hand, we will go on a journey today." That felt so wonderful, so peaceful and calming. And we took a walk through all kinds of beautiful gardens, wildflower fields, beaches. My heart filled up with the simple glory of our world. And then we travel to even more fanciful places that held unicorns and crystal buildings, and succulent fruit trees and vegetable gardens, and colorful flowering trees with faeries all over them like bees. The Universe is mine to see. Mine to play with, mine to interact with as I please. What an enchanting gift.

That gift is all of ours, it is our magic. We paint the picture with our imaginations before it ever shows up on this screen we are living in now. It's so sweet to see things this way. Today that has really become so clear, that everything is a droplet of golden light: perfection. I take everything as it comes to me knowing that it is supposed to be exactly this way, and then it is easy to merrily interact with it. Everything is good :) It really is. That thought just makes the smile never want to leave my face; I'm walking around with a permaplastered gleeful grin!

And so, I keep hearing from my inner self and guides and angels to stay looking within. The answers are not without, as I have been reaching for {in desperation}. I am just feeling so close to knowing, to popping out with my dream, that I am wanting to leap on that. I am looking everywhere for it. But softly, lovingly, with amusement, they wait. And when I am calm, the love fills me, and I know. I know that everything is okay, it's just what it's supposed to be right now. No need to push for anything, because everything that IS happening IS part of my dream. I am a mother, a friend, a wife, a lover, a sister, a daughter, a teacher, a guide. I am doing it all just as I am, I am affecting more than I even know just by being authentic and real and sharing that from my depths, from my soul. I am letting my heart guide me, and when I try to take over with want, it clogs up. "Unclog, sweetheart," I hear. Take my hand and see the journey today, it is yours. And it is a very, very beautiful thing.

One regret, dear world,
that I am determined not to have
when I am lying on my death bed
is that I did not kiss you enough.
~ Hafiz

Excitement❤Exhilaration❤Experimentation❤Enthusiasm

I feel such love bubbling up in my belly! I just feel sooo strongly that THIS is a huge transformation year. That this, right now, is going to spill outward and create everything I dream of for my life. I am the dreamer AND the dream.

I love how my appreciation just grows inside of me and spreads out in tears and laughter and little nuggets to others. I know in my soul that this is what I am here to do - to share myself in my most loving and creative way with the world. I am on the doorstep of seeing just how this is going to work and come about. I trust with everything that I am that it will keep coming to me the way it has been and that I will be doing it before the end of this year and living my fullest dreams and making more.

I know that I have a unique gift. It is close, because I feel it bubbling up - reaching out, taking on a life of its own, swirling above me ready for me to tap into the right experiment that makes it come to fruition.

Inside of me I feel like Spring. Basking in the sunshine, feet in the earth taking root, drinking water becoming clear and reaching for the sky.

It takes a lot of courage to release
the familiar and seemingly secure,
to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what
is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in
the adventurous and exciting,
for in movement there is life,
and in change there is power.
- Alan Cohen

I am giddy today! SOOooo joyful. So peaceful, calm & knowing. It's like *pop* everything has come into focus. The feeling inside of my belly is ME, it's what guides me, it is my zero point, my connection to god. I am so settled in that. What do I really know about anything? What do I know about what's right or wrong for me, or for anyone else? Nothing, I release it all. And that feels like sacred truth. Freedom. Trust.

And the veil fades away, little by little. Sunshine shining into my soul.

I can see my life unfolding, wrapped in wonderous gifts. I am so grateful for all of them. For everyone I am surrounding myself with right now, for everything that is coming into my life effortlessly. It feels precious in my hands, all of it. Today, it's just so clear that everything, every sngle thing, is the way it's supposed to be. This is the feeling of bliss. This is why we are alive.

I look out my window and see the wind blow through the trees. Green swaying in a wave. I wave back. My trees are so loving and gentle, so healing. I have noticed how much they are growing all of a sudden. Yes, it's Spring, but this is growth is from our exchange of love, I know it. I admire how they bend and sway even as something else is pushing them. The don't push back, they just go with it. They dance. I will dance too.

My word today is Playful/Childlike. It made me chuckle when I got it. Sweet bubbles of laughter during meditation, seeing Buddha, smiling so joyously. Egging me on, to giggle with him and All That Is, to shine glee upon everyone and everything I see and do today. To dance in the courtyard, to shoot dolphin arrows at everyone I see, to blow bubbles with the kidlets, to have a tea party, to play on the beach, to get out the candles & light them for no reason other than to blow them out in celebration of this very day.

Today, I am holding hands with the Universe, and finally, finally honestly savoring what is. It really IS the journey that matters. Each step in the mud, each cleansing shower, each rainbow reached, all of it is me. And the feeling in my belly is not being held back anymore.

I love my magical life.

You will deeply feel that the greater
your ecstasy, your pleasure, and your joy
the more you contribute to the world.
~william reich

I'm so amused at what a paradoxical world we live in. We want to be happy, but somehow it is unbelievably uncomfortable to us to hold for long periods of time. It's like being bummed out has to come in and break up the joy in our lives for us to feel normal. Where did this come from? We are so unaccustomed to feeling amazing and holding that feeling, that I think we actually set out to find things that will bring us down, it's like our blanket, what we know, what seems to be right.

I know that I used to totally {unknowingly} sabotage my own relationship by having this little nagging limiting belief that when things were going super great, it couldn't last. And as soon as I spoke of it or settled into that feeling of pure joy and love, the other shoe would fall and it'd be all over. And whatta ya know? It happened every time, like clockwork. The funny thing is, in the midst of this, and being asleep in my life and just letting these things roll this way, I felt normal. I could whine to my friends and they would understand and say "Yes, totally, I know what you mean!" Back when I worked at the hospital, my coworkers and I would spend the first part of our mornings getting coffee and going over all kinds of things that sucked about our lives.

This makes me totally laugh now. I love the turn my life has taken. I love understanding the way things really work now, and that I am in control of everything. Every single thing that happens in my life is mine to own. And I have to say, the hardest thing--still--is holding the happy thoughts and pure joyful feelings for long periods of time. But what I love is that I am changing that day by day, moment by moment, by being aware.

When I first started waking up to my life, I felt it most at work. The uncomfortable feeling in my gut that I was now becoming so attuned to. And I started saying to myself over and over love.joy.peace. in my head when I would feel icky and people would start gossiping or talking about being miserable, perpetuating the negative cycle. I started writing those words over and over in my notebook at meetings instead of taking notes. When I quit, not long after, my manager said she knew, she could feel it because I had been separating myself and not joining in any more. I love that somewhere inside of me, I just knew. I knew the words to say over and over to get my head out of the usual crap thoughts that unconsciously run through it all day. It was my first step.

I began saying that in my head when my husband and I would get into a trivial argument over nothing. They are always over nothing. Very soon after starting this, he began to change as well. I'm so lucky to have a man who is intuitive, and our personal expansion seems to benefit us both, even before we are able to put it into words and talk it out. This is not to say that it was all peaches and cream, it wasn't. I was changing so quickly, that he was knocked off balance at first. He was unsure what all of this meant, I was completely changing our lives together.

But I stuck with it, I would say "Why does this scare you so much? I am not doing anything wrong, I am just being more loving and positive." and this would stop him. The part that scared him the most, I think, was that I was becoming a sovereign being, independent, striving for myself and everyone to be free, and allowing everyone else to be who they are as well. He took this to mean that I was separating myself from him and our relationship, but I wasn't. I was just redefining it for myself. It was something I had to do, and he could join me or not; but I would really, really love it if he did. And we grew together, stronger, better, much more open and into unconditional love. Or at least that is what we aim for on a daily basis. And it feels great, I highly recommend it. Even as scary as it is in the beginning.

Peace Love Joy - this is where I live now, Why don't you join me? Tell me, just how much flippin JOY can you handle? :)

❤

I have been so sleepy lately. Wrapped in a soft haze of peacefulness that keeps calling me back inward. And so I go. I fall into it. I hear and feel that it is okay, this is what I need in this moment or I wouldn't be doing it. I never sleep this much, my mind retorts back. And yet, my loving inner self takes over, and I let go.

I suppose this is a metaphor for my life. I am letting go and my inner self is taking over more and more and I love it. So much. Yesterday, I felt frustrated about Chuck and my mother in law, but very quickly, I was like "why?" and so I let it go, and instead I told him I wasn't mad, that I loved him, and at dinner we talked a little about it and then laid together afterward. It's so funny how our minds want to take us to a place in the past or future and trick us into not completely loving this moment, right now. The one where he is here with me, flowing his beautiful strong love onto me the way only he can, infiltrating every cell of my being, making me sink into love and comfort and joy. I am grateful that I didn't miss that moment. I am grateful that I didn't stay upset and let us both get pulled into that vortex of anger and fighting the way we used to. It was our dance, we feed so easily off of each other's emotions, and it was fiery and passionate and hot, but it was not good for our hearts. We both came to that conclusion together, thank god. We both understood that love doesn't need to be a rollercoaster to feel good. Love IS feeling good. It is self-contained beauty. I am so grateful that we are there now, together. True soul mates, pushing each other in this life to be better, to understand the truth, to keep expanding. We are now expanding in mostly the positive frequencies and that makes life so delicious. So marvelous. Thank you.

***

Yesterday, I was talking to my mastermind group of three. And they could see my grandaughter around me, whom I feel often. They both said that she was pulling on my leg, and leading me out a doorway into bright light. While they were telling me their visions of her--which match mine, and they actually got the name I call her: Lilli. And one of them said 'Lillibell', and I said I could totally see myself calling her Lillibell--and then, I could hear her tell me "Come, Titi, come this way. Step into the light." One of them thought the light was me, to step into my own brightness. The other thought it may be something through the light that I am supposed to see, that may guide me to what it is I am supposed to do, since I am focusing on my Heart's Desire lately. I don't know ... I did go out into the courtyard to see if actually going through the door would tell me anything. The wind was blowing strongly yesterday, knocking on the walls as we had our threesome conversation. It was wild, like all three of us seeing her at the same time was making it more & more real. So as I stepped outside into the light and the wind, all these little white petals started swirling around me. Petals from the magnolia outside the front door. Isabel Tree. zing - Lillibell and Isabel are connected! I think they may be the same essence. How precious that she is going to come back to us through one of my daughters! I thought. Tears easily came as I stood there letting the feeling engulf me. Understanding this connection. Of course she is strong around me, she is my forever baby. Amazing, such a miracle.

That made me stop pushing for more. It made it clear that everything is perfect, the timing is divine. These are lessons I learned so easily after Isabel died, in deep grief, you are in this space of not being fully here. A piece of me left with her, just as a piece of her stayed with me. Connected, always in love. The colors changed around me then. I saw things anew, as if through a baby's eyes. I went through the winter in a haze, but as Spring came that year, everything looked so different to me. Yesterday, surrounded by the flurry of Isabel Tree's blossoms, I felt that swirling feeling again of deep sure inner calmness, the knowing that this life is so precious so perfectly timed and orchestrated. That there is a time for everything under heaven. That we are ALL precious perfect little pieces of heaven. That everything around us is magical, speaking softly. Are we still enough to hear? Or rushing on for the next thing? It was so clear in that wind, in the bright light that comes with wind through the trees, that being still and quiet and calm will bring me everything I've ever wanted. Because it lives within, always.

Because it is love. Everything happens bathed in love.

My daughter, whom I held in my arms only for a few hours, has lived lifetimes with me in the 11 years that have passed. She is my guiding angel, she spins magic around her daddy and I, and her siblings. How blessed am I to have held and angel? And to have the knowing inside of me that understands what that means, and that she lives on, and that she is still with me and can come back here too, when it is right.

I know what she is tugging me towards is this life, this calmness, this knowing that I am spreading outward to my daughters now. We are making the life that will be perfect for when she is to be born. Because she is very powerful and magical and we will need to be in that space too.

Thank you, angel. For birthing me when I birthed you. Entwined forever in the golden thread of love that never ends, even though this physical life does. You showed me this so clearly, and now I know I must share that, and live it fully.

And so it is.
❤

my writing here has been non-existent. i know it. i can't seem to put the words onto the screen like i do when i write with my pens into my journal pages. but my heart has been exploding lately. it has, and i am unable to express it with words here.

it's all about feeling. feeling and being in the moment. how do you convey those things accurately? ahhh, i wish i were a fabulous writer who could do just that; capture the hazy magical moments that seem to never end. bring my journey into focus. but it feels almost sacred. naked, pure.

what i can write is that i am spreading my wings, finding my way, being as authentic as i can be. finding new ways to grow and be fulfilled. my life is expanding, and i'm turning my fears into excitement, breathing life into them. and looking forward while loving what is.

❤

happy LOVE day
i love you
♥

i have been searching for what it is that calls my heart, that speaks to my soul, that fulfills my life and the lives of others. and then today, in the halcyon haze, i hear soft whisper, right now ... it's all perfect right now. and i laugh. i believe in divine orchestration, in divine timing in everything. i believe that my life is this magical canvas and i can see how sparkly it all is. i truly can. and yet, i try to push sometimes. i've always been one to color outside the lines. i know i am not the person people thought i would be, but i am me. and i love who i am. i love every choice i have made. and so of course, of course right now is what it's supposed to be. i love where i am. i am in bloom.
♥

my heart is crying out. i feel like my senses are all on hyper mode. i think i am walking myself to another cliff edge, ready to make this big leap into my life. like really, really delving into what my life purpose is. i want to be living my dharma, what i can GIVE to the world. i want to delve into amazing crevasses of creativity and love, i want to spread these things like seeds and watch them grow. i have been content in learning and in my inner growth, but now, that seems to be no longer enough. i want so badly to know what it is that *I* am here for, what *I* can do in my unique authentic way to bring more love, joy, harmony, creativity, passion, excitement & action into my life & the lives of others. tears stream down my face, i am so ready.
i am so ready
i am so ready
i am
♥

i am feeling such HUGE shifts, it's almost hard to put into words...

in the past, i have definitely felt like the U is talking to me in so many ways: songs, billboards, tv shows, videos, stuff like that. i know that when i am connected, i am led to see more love, more great things, more beauty. i also know what i have been learning for these past 2 years has been engulfing me & my life. i know my life is my mirror.

BUT ~ now, there has been a shift that is palpable in the last week or so.

it's hard to explain, the difference is such a fine line, but it has gone from knowing this stuff & doing things that reflect it to actually becoming it. it does not filter through my head anymore, it comes straight from my heart - at least most of the time now. before it just came in snippets, but all of a sudden, one morning i woke up & things were different: i went through a porthole, i had a quantum moment, and i am changed forever.

and now, everything around me is alive. Every Thing. it ALL talks to me. it all leads me to an even deeper knowing, understanding, feeling. i truly feel like water. like an open vessel.

i have been volunteering with the little kids doing art, omg, that has definitely been a part of my shift, the are so beautiful & free and i love giving myself to them. and i am writing, i am stepping into my life, my story, i am living on purpose, i am finding something every single day that scares me & that i know will affect others in a positive way. my heart grows.

the other day, because my 2 older girls are each going through things that are challenging right now, i invited them over. i had my other daughter there too. so Rosie, Mimi & Muffy were all here & before i even got them from the ferry, i spread love from my heart all around my house, on the way to pick them up, i set my intentions to flow love & be clear & that everything would go beautifully and for the highest good of all. when they were here, i gave them all moleskine journals and told them to write - to write how they want to be; how they see themselves in 6 months. as they did, i baked cookies & told them stories of my visions. of how i see us all by the sea, in a magical place, all of us, doing something that helps to elevate the planet, all of us giving from our unique selves. then, i did tarot readings for them all. my readings are a mixture of the cards, my intuition, my flow of love & i try to connect them to their inner power. i share my visions of how i see them, which is perfect & beautiful and omg, shining so incredibly brightly that its almost insane. i told them that part of the reason we are all stagnant & some of us feeling icky is because we have been putting off Our Stories. and that i want to step into my life again and have it be a story worth telling. i want it to be epic. i want to FEEL life and i see them doing the same thing. i shared some beautiful stories i had recently read & had them share some of their visions for their own stories.

O.M.G.! the power of that day has been reverberating throughout all of us since then.

each day, i feel better than the last, i wake up saying THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU - from a place so deep in my soul, i didn't even know it existed. i see so clearly how we are all connected in this tapestry, i see that my story flows into the bigger story. i bring love into everything i do.

our day to honor
Isabel Joy

starts with breaky at Hi-Lo's.
it's magical there.

then onto Poulsbo.
it's magical there too.

all day we were surrounded by
the most mystical vanilla sky.

we went to the water
to see & feel the beauty there
and then went to paint pottery.

creating in love
brings love

then on to the bakery
that is divinely delicious

and finally to
set free balloons
that float into heaven

our hearts
one
with hers

then playtime
joy
laughter, beauty, love

i love you
precious one
fly free

12.31.2010

12.17.2010

12.14.2010

12.13.2010

12.05.2010

11.30.2010

10.06.2010

9.27.2010

9.20.2010

8.26.2010

7.20.2010

6.28.2010

6.18.2010

6.11.2010

6.06.2010

5.31.2010

5.22.2010

5.21.2010

5.17.2010

5.03.2010

4.13.2010

4.06.2010

3.26.2010

3.25.2010

❤

3.23.2010

3.22.2010

3.19.2010

3.18.2010

3.17.2010

3.15.2010

❤

2.14.2010

2.11.2010

2.08.2010

2.04.2010

2.03.2010

it's all about love

love

my heart breathings

the lovlies