thank you, 2010. i love you.

last sunset of 2010. beautiful, magical, perfect.

2011 = synchronicity {my fave!}

one resolution :: love

here's to new beginnings ♥

finding my voice

so here's where i am right now...

i know there is something here, right here, that i am on the brink of. but still, i have no idea what it is. which sounds hilarious, really. because in truth, we DO know what lives inside of us that deeply wants to get out. we DO know our innermost pleasures and secrets that are dying to get out. but there's something - something - that keeps holding me away from knowing it. why?

the answer lays waiting in the whys...

i do know that i love to write. and i love to draw and paint and create. i have this strange unique way of journaling & lettering out things mixed with art. i have all of that, and still, i wait. what i think i am waiting for is to find MY voice. what it is that I want to say, or create or do or be. in the way that I want to do it.

so i sit patiently and wait. and sometimes not so patiently and wait. because i know it's there. and i know it's ME that keeps me from it.

but with light there is dark, and with dark i see in its center, the light. i swirl them, mixing the colors on my palette holding my brush in front of the blank canvas and all i can really do is let go. trust that whatever these mixed colors do through my hand will become a painting. this is how it always goes: my within showing up without.

and i will love it. because it will be me. my voice. ♥

what is it you need to play with?

so yesterday, my man & i were steeped in the middle of some contrast. and for some reason, my mind went back - like, waayy back - to how we reacted before. and i think this is because his did too. it's just so funny. we are no longer those people, we don't react like that anymore. you know, all separate and angsty, and letting our minds wander to places that are dark and questiony. and for a second, i totally let myself feel those old feelings and think those old thoughts.

and then i asked myself, why? why is this happening?
and calmly and clearly as it always comes, the answer was, YOU are creating it.
and me, screechy and annoying, omg, why> why would i do that?!
great question. the calm voice answers. what is it you need to play with?

oh, so funny. and at the same time, so fucking brilliant! what a way to look at this life we are leading, huh? what do i want to play with today?

that's how my life goes these days. nothing is really that serious. even though i texted him, and he didn't reply (just like the old days, when we deliberately got all caught up in control games with each other, lol), it was almost hard to stay thinking about it. but, i did talk to my heartfriend Tracy about it. for some reason, i still needed to get out the drama of it all.

god, T, i skype her, all exasperated. it's just that he takes material things as more important than human feelings.
and Trace, in her infinite wisdom, lets me rant away, as she serenely tells me a story about herself getting all haired out over something trivial too, ending with honey, it's a Leo trait, they have issues with needing to look good and be perfect. like seriously, all the time.
i laugh. she makes me laugh. god, i love her for that.

and so when he gets home, he tries not to look at me, but our eyes meet anyway. and i ask if he's ignoring me still, and he asks if i'm still judging him like i used to, and then we both can't help but smile. the game is over. it doesn't hold any charge because it's so not who we even are anymore. his hug later, impromptu in the living room is healing and joyful, and we hold it a little longer than usual. heart-to-heart, the way we have always instinctively known repairs anything, everything.

and here's the thing. the moral of this story:
the joy of life now seems to in part come from contrast. because it's really never that bad when you stay in the moment. when you unconditionally trust. we know that everything is okay, gets taken care of, and in fact, is getting better & better. that is the underlying harmony of everything now. but as humans, we still like that little jolt, right? the blood pumping electricity. so we find something to play with.

it seems like lately, i have been finding all kinds of avenues to play in, and damn if i don't fully appreciate and love this life.

thank you~

photo art + words

friendship, part deux: authenticity.

i've come to a whole new place regarding friendship. i love how bumps like this don't have to become mountains anymore. that when i stay centered in myself and in my knowing, the only thing that can come out of it is good.

my girlfriend and i had the most open and honest talk the day after i wrote this. it felt amazing and i felt so scared and vulnerable at the same moments that i felt powerful and proud of myself. i felt alive! and so did she. and when you stay in that place of truth, you can still be emotional and say what you feel, but it isn't about bashing anyone, it is simply about finding the core of the problem and speaking from the heart about it to each other. i love this friend for hanging in there and wanting authenticity AND our friendship as much as i did.

my heart overflows for interactions like this in my life. thank you!

and doing things like this, sharing from the heart in pure honesty without needing to blame anyone or anything else for where *I* am in my life, is amazing. it opens up more avenues for authenticity. it's like a snowball effect. unconditional love for yourself and for others, mixed with this genuine unconditional trust in the Universe, knowing that everything is happening exactly the way it's supposed to for you and your life is the way i want to be. the way i want to live. because it feels SO good, there are no words.

and from this interaction, others were birthed. being able to hold a space of clarity in my interactions last week while making some pretty big decisions felt great. i can come from this place of harmony for others AND truly honor myself.

we are all imperfect. and the whole point is to understand that, embrace it even, and love each other ... anyway. maybe not needing to repair a broken friendship that no longer fits or to be involved in a group that no longer feels like it's expansive in your life, but being able to unconditionally love the individuals anyway - allowing them to be, do, have what they want, while staying true to what you really want too.

ahhh. this feels so good.

SO grateful for everything that happened and changed last week, and ready to see what's in store this week :)

friendship...

today i am pondering friendship.

what does it mean?

my mother taught me how to spell friend by telling me that it ended in "end" - as in, you are friends till the end.

i believed her.

sometimes i feel like i hold things too closely, too sacredly, too much in my heart. i trust and i let go and i give of myself and then i question why after something goes awry. i'm not even sure why or how it went awry either. then i question myself ... like, maybe i'm just naive and a sap and only see the best in people. maybe i don't see clearly, and that's how i get blindsided.

oh, hell.

who knows? but questioning myself just feels like shit, so i give that up and go back to knowing that everything is happening as it should. nothing is a coincidence, it's all perfection and grace in action. i can only be me. and if i love who i am, it really doesn't matter who else does, or why they choose not to. i know i've done nothing wrong. i know i've done everything right. so what is there to really question?

there's this little part of me that wants to rant and rave and say wtf? to lay it all out and ask why all of HER choices ended up making her upset with me. because seriously. nothing could be lamer or feel crappier. but writing that made me laugh. it's really just funny. it's really just life. and there may be some truth to that cliche saying about some friends being in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

i can't change any of it. i wouldn't want to stop having connections that expand me and inspire me and make me feel open and happy just to wonder if maybe this friendship is going to be short-lived. i'm doing my best lately to live with my whole heart. and to live like that in my friendship world would totally contradict everything encompasses.

i think, however, that i will be a little keener about the signs i pick up, about how this friend seemed to take much more than she ever gave, that i spilled things way too easily because i felt like we were simpatico, that she got it, that she got me. and oh what a high that is, to think we have come across a soulmate. someone to share with who will hold you as dear as you hold them. or really, as dear as you hold YOU.

i have that in my life, and god, i am grateful for it. but it's not the cutout that most relationships are made from. so, i humbly accept that. and i accept me, for everything i am anyway.

i accept my imperfections and theirs. i love them for theirs and i love me for mine. i love knowing that it's all okay. it's all a learning experience, it makes me grow, it makes me bloom in ways i didn't know were possible.

standing in vulnerability with my arms open, my heart bleeding, looking up to the sky letting the rain hit my face melding with the tears.

fresh.