today i am pondering friendship.

what does it mean?

my mother taught me how to spell friend by telling me that it ended in "end" - as in, you are friends till the end.

i believed her.

sometimes i feel like i hold things too closely, too sacredly, too much in my heart. i trust and i let go and i give of myself and then i question why after something goes awry. i'm not even sure why or how it went awry either. then i question myself ... like, maybe i'm just naive and a sap and only see the best in people. maybe i don't see clearly, and that's how i get blindsided.

oh, hell.

who knows? but questioning myself just feels like shit, so i give that up and go back to knowing that everything is happening as it should. nothing is a coincidence, it's all perfection and grace in action. i can only be me. and if i love who i am, it really doesn't matter who else does, or why they choose not to. i know i've done nothing wrong. i know i've done everything right. so what is there to really question?

there's this little part of me that wants to rant and rave and say wtf? to lay it all out and ask why all of HER choices ended up making her upset with me. because seriously. nothing could be lamer or feel crappier. but writing that made me laugh. it's really just funny. it's really just life. and there may be some truth to that cliche saying about some friends being in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

i can't change any of it. i wouldn't want to stop having connections that expand me and inspire me and make me feel open and happy just to wonder if maybe this friendship is going to be short-lived. i'm doing my best lately to live with my whole heart. and to live like that in my friendship world would totally contradict everything encompasses.

i think, however, that i will be a little keener about the signs i pick up, about how this friend seemed to take much more than she ever gave, that i spilled things way too easily because i felt like we were simpatico, that she got it, that she got me. and oh what a high that is, to think we have come across a soulmate. someone to share with who will hold you as dear as you hold them. or really, as dear as you hold YOU.

i have that in my life, and god, i am grateful for it. but it's not the cutout that most relationships are made from. so, i humbly accept that. and i accept me, for everything i am anyway.

i accept my imperfections and theirs. i love them for theirs and i love me for mine. i love knowing that it's all okay. it's all a learning experience, it makes me grow, it makes me bloom in ways i didn't know were possible.

standing in vulnerability with my arms open, my heart bleeding, looking up to the sky letting the rain hit my face melding with the tears.


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