my true heart.

I have been so sleepy lately. Wrapped in a soft haze of peacefulness that keeps calling me back inward. And so I go. I fall into it. I hear and feel that it is okay, this is what I need in this moment or I wouldn't be doing it. I never sleep this much, my mind retorts back. And yet, my loving inner self takes over, and I let go.

I suppose this is a metaphor for my life. I am letting go and my inner self is taking over more and more and I love it. So much. Yesterday, I felt frustrated about Chuck and my mother in law, but very quickly, I was like "why?" and so I let it go, and instead I told him I wasn't mad, that I loved him, and at dinner we talked a little about it and then laid together afterward. It's so funny how our minds want to take us to a place in the past or future and trick us into not completely loving this moment, right now. The one where he is here with me, flowing his beautiful strong love onto me the way only he can, infiltrating every cell of my being, making me sink into love and comfort and joy. I am grateful that I didn't miss that moment. I am grateful that I didn't stay upset and let us both get pulled into that vortex of anger and fighting the way we used to. It was our dance, we feed so easily off of each other's emotions, and it was fiery and passionate and hot, but it was not good for our hearts. We both came to that conclusion together, thank god. We both understood that love doesn't need to be a rollercoaster to feel good. Love IS feeling good. It is self-contained beauty. I am so grateful that we are there now, together. True soul mates, pushing each other in this life to be better, to understand the truth, to keep expanding. We are now expanding in mostly the positive frequencies and that makes life so delicious. So marvelous. Thank you.


Yesterday, I was talking to my mastermind group of three. And they could see my grandaughter around me, whom I feel often. They both said that she was pulling on my leg, and leading me out a doorway into bright light. While they were telling me their visions of her--which match mine, and they actually got the name I call her: Lilli. And one of them said 'Lillibell', and I said I could totally see myself calling her Lillibell--and then, I could hear her tell me "Come, Titi, come this way. Step into the light." One of them thought the light was me, to step into my own brightness. The other thought it may be something through the light that I am supposed to see, that may guide me to what it is I am supposed to do, since I am focusing on my Heart's Desire lately. I don't know ... I did go out into the courtyard to see if actually going through the door would tell me anything. The wind was blowing strongly yesterday, knocking on the walls as we had our threesome conversation. It was wild, like all three of us seeing her at the same time was making it more & more real. So as I stepped outside into the light and the wind, all these little white petals started swirling around me. Petals from the magnolia outside the front door. Isabel Tree. zing - Lillibell and Isabel are connected! I think they may be the same essence. How precious that she is going to come back to us through one of my daughters! I thought. Tears easily came as I stood there letting the feeling engulf me. Understanding this connection. Of course she is strong around me, she is my forever baby. Amazing, such a miracle.

That made me stop pushing for more. It made it clear that everything is perfect, the timing is divine. These are lessons I learned so easily after Isabel died, in deep grief, you are in this space of not being fully here. A piece of me left with her, just as a piece of her stayed with me. Connected, always in love. The colors changed around me then. I saw things anew, as if through a baby's eyes. I went through the winter in a haze, but as Spring came that year, everything looked so different to me. Yesterday, surrounded by the flurry of Isabel Tree's blossoms, I felt that swirling feeling again of deep sure inner calmness, the knowing that this life is so precious so perfectly timed and orchestrated. That there is a time for everything under heaven. That we are ALL precious perfect little pieces of heaven. That everything around us is magical, speaking softly. Are we still enough to hear? Or rushing on for the next thing? It was so clear in that wind, in the bright light that comes with wind through the trees, that being still and quiet and calm will bring me everything I've ever wanted. Because it lives within, always.

Because it is love. Everything happens bathed in love.

My daughter, whom I held in my arms only for a few hours, has lived lifetimes with me in the 11 years that have passed. She is my guiding angel, she spins magic around her daddy and I, and her siblings. How blessed am I to have held and angel? And to have the knowing inside of me that understands what that means, and that she lives on, and that she is still with me and can come back here too, when it is right.

I know what she is tugging me towards is this life, this calmness, this knowing that I am spreading outward to my daughters now. We are making the life that will be perfect for when she is to be born. Because she is very powerful and magical and we will need to be in that space too.

Thank you, angel. For birthing me when I birthed you. Entwined forever in the golden thread of love that never ends, even though this physical life does. You showed me this so clearly, and now I know I must share that, and live it fully.

And so it is.


  1. I can relate on so many levels. My husband and I have hurt each other deeply, and loved each other in equal measure. In the end, the strong, silent, and and tender embrace wins.

    I've also felt more sleepiness, and my mind pushes me into the future or judges me for the past. Only here in this moment do I truly feel safe and at peace.

    You are lucky and destined to have your angel.

  2. Hi cutie!Let me just tell you,before reading this,the picture caught my eye.It is the EXACT same painting we have here in the living room.Coincidence?I think not.