No words.

Writing. Practicing some kind of modicum of discipline. Ugh. I hate that word. I'm the antithesis of discipline. But, like most humans, it feels good to do it. To accomplish something. And so. I begin. Maybe not always here. I actually want to start writing in a word doc, you know, like a real writer. But still, here feels comforting, and familiar.

Deep breath.

Isabel came to me last night, I was shocked that she has been gone from me for 13 years almost now. That it has been 13 years since she danced in my belly. I laid my hand there, where she lived, and the tears came easily. Freely, purely. God, I loved her. I love her still. I heard the song today- The Impossible Dream and there's a lyric that says: "to bear with unbearable sorrow" and "to love pure and chaste from afar" and there she was again. The feelings came rushing back. But softer. More knowing. More clear. She's here, always. She is love.

And so when I think about writing, I wonder - what is the story inside of me that I need to tell? And it's never really clear. I wait for that clarity, but maybe the clarity only comes by doing it. By beginning and continuing something... I'm not sure. Maybe. I know the theme is always love. I know that the stories that capture my attention are about love. How it rolls and turns and is filled with everything; grief, joy, death, birth. All of it boils down to one thing. The pain we go through to really *feel* it, and know it, become one with it.

Life is love. Love is life.

And so. I really just want to live it. I don't know if I'm ready to write about it. The words seem so inadequate. The being and living of it means more. Sharing it from within. It's really all I can do. Be me, my truth, naked in front of you.

And so I do.

le leap

constantly thinking about leaping. and growing my wings as i go. this has been a theme in my life for a while now. today, writing in my journal, and looking back to old journals - it hit me. the leap has been happening. the changes are constant. the steady flow of good feeling i have now compared to the questioning i used to have astounds me. it's a gentle movement, life is. once, my father said to me at a high school reunion of his, "time is a strange thing. day to day, not much seems to happen. but over years, the changes are evident." i didn't really get it then. i do now.

be YOU.

that's the secret. just be the best you that you can be. it's like we are all puzzle pieces that fit together. and when we're trying to not be our unique self, our puzzle piece won't fit. it can't fit. i love all of our diversity so much! it's truly a gift of this life. who wants everyone to be the same? to be Stepford people? one of my favorite things are pot lucks or buffets - the more the better :) LOVE.

bésame

kisses. i am grateful for long soft wet kisses. ♥

anything can be...

believe. share. give of your heart. spread love. be authentic. LIVE.

my random art

pulling me in

"If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."

The Gnostic Gospel of Thomas

stumbled upon this today. i love it. it's it reminds me of the old saying don't die with your music still inside of you. it's how i feel now. i know i need to write, to create, to get something out of me & reflect it out upon the world somehow. and so i come back to this little spot, and i open myself to what comes.

***

we sit close to each other, shoulders touching, leaning on the other. holding our ipods, we play scrabble together and play on facebook, the internet. it's funny to think about. we have been together for so long now. when we met, we had no clue about personal computers or the internet. now it is just natural. i love how we have flowed through time together. still one. the ease that we have with each other reflects that. comfortable. i love it.

it's all paradox, this life. we grow and change so profoundly over the years. yet in that, there's a stability and a harmony. we go through immense beauty and horrific pain, and we feel like things will break apart, but somehow we remain together. it's calming to be able to look back and know that our lives intertwine, that we have bared witness to such a span of transformation, of life. i am grateful.

do you want to go salsa dancing tonight, babe? i ask him.

whatever you want. he replies easily.

i lean in a little. i am already on his shoulder, so i just reach my chin up to his face, looking for his lips with mine. saltwater, the ocean. all of time. i taste him, feel him with my tongue. he responds. it's always new, funnily enough. on the screen of my closed eyes, i see colors. swirling green and blue and purple. my heart races a little. i love the trust we have with each other. complete. i can give myself over to him easily. he does the same. we open our eyes again, and smile.

what do you want to do? i say.

bask in your presence. he responds, looking at me, full in the eyes, pulling me in to the place i know as home.

on writing...

I've separated myself from here, from writing. Instead of writing, I've been living, integrating. Growing, changing. Transforming, expanding.

But now, I'm challenging myself to write again. To be creative here. On this blank white canvas, more open than the blank white canvas of my journals, which I love. LOVE. They are my lifeline, really. I need to write, it's innate in me. I need to create more than words, I doodle and draw with all of the pens I have collected, and it feels like a religion. It feels healing and alive and raw and ME. In there, I can pour forth whatever is inside of me. But, it's safe there. It's private. And maybe it's time to stop being so damn safe. Maybe it's time to try something new. Or, at least something old that feels new now.

***

I have no idea what to write about every day, but the discipline feels good. Like something I need now. I feel the need to move things inside of me outward. As my birthday nears, that is what seems to be clear. Last year this time, I felt the word action whispering on the wind. It was strong and real. To move things I was feeling into action, to become more the me I know I really am. Authentic. And to bring that into outward things. That seemed to morph into all of the inner feelings of love into outward manifestations of love. So many things changed in this last year for me. And, in the end, the action of love was really to love me.

Funny how it was always in me. The key was me. And now, I stand here so clear in my love for who I am, it's hard not to get choked up a little. Being one with life isn't just words anymore. It's a feeling. And oh, my god, that's it right there. When words aren't needed anymore and you are simply flooded with feeling, you've got it. You are it.

Feeling flows through me. I am the vessel. Clear. God, I love that.

So grateful for this past year. So excited for the year to come.

I am ready for the story that's inside of me to come out. Maybe it can come out here. That is my wish.

mishmash

life is such a mishmash. of love.

it's all love.

to jump in and feel, really feel. to be yourself in every moment, whether or not you are even aware of it. to be awake is enough, you don't really need to be super focused on the moment - but when you are, that's when you really see it - you see the magic around you.

this is the way i see life, anyway. the way i live it. it's all about feeling it.

this is me.

life is good ♥

simple

here's what i know: it's the simple things that are the most beautiful, the most profound.



lately, i am overcome with passion and appreciation for this man. i love his presence in my life. i love our profound intimate connection. the moments when we connect on a multitude of levels; simple yet deep.



blessed.

***

i need you to talk to me, he says.

i know, i reply.

he looks at me, waiting. and when i meet his gaze, his eyes pull me in. searching. he sees things i do not say, that i can not say.

why do you feel the need to pull away from me? he asks, my hands covered by his. his thumbs move over the back of my hand and the tops of my fingers, caressing. there's always stuff going on, Elizabeth. work, the kids, family. the cars, the house, money. but nothing to me is more important than you. talk to me.

and when i can speak, my words flood out, and he holds me where our hearts beat together, rhythmic. it's so hard not to talk, it takes more effort to stay separate now than ever, to be upset. we've crossed some line somewhere, and it's blurry where each of us begins and ends. intertwined. entangled. words aren't even needed a lot of the time. we talk, and we kiss. and he waits until we both feel the shift; the release and the relief. okay again.

i love you, my wife. he tells me as i leave the room, squeezing my bottom like he always does.

i love you, my man. i orbit around you like the sun. i smile at him. it feels light, good. pure. i am so grateful.

this is the one thing i count on; you and me. he says.

love. it's where i live. how beautiful is that?