what is it you need to play with?

so yesterday, my man & i were steeped in the middle of some contrast. and for some reason, my mind went back - like, waayy back - to how we reacted before. and i think this is because his did too. it's just so funny. we are no longer those people, we don't react like that anymore. you know, all separate and angsty, and letting our minds wander to places that are dark and questiony. and for a second, i totally let myself feel those old feelings and think those old thoughts.

and then i asked myself, why? why is this happening?
and calmly and clearly as it always comes, the answer was, YOU are creating it.
and me, screechy and annoying, omg, why> why would i do that?!
great question. the calm voice answers. what is it you need to play with?

oh, so funny. and at the same time, so fucking brilliant! what a way to look at this life we are leading, huh? what do i want to play with today?

that's how my life goes these days. nothing is really that serious. even though i texted him, and he didn't reply (just like the old days, when we deliberately got all caught up in control games with each other, lol), it was almost hard to stay thinking about it. but, i did talk to my heartfriend Tracy about it. for some reason, i still needed to get out the drama of it all.

god, T, i skype her, all exasperated. it's just that he takes material things as more important than human feelings.
and Trace, in her infinite wisdom, lets me rant away, as she serenely tells me a story about herself getting all haired out over something trivial too, ending with honey, it's a Leo trait, they have issues with needing to look good and be perfect. like seriously, all the time.
i laugh. she makes me laugh. god, i love her for that.

and so when he gets home, he tries not to look at me, but our eyes meet anyway. and i ask if he's ignoring me still, and he asks if i'm still judging him like i used to, and then we both can't help but smile. the game is over. it doesn't hold any charge because it's so not who we even are anymore. his hug later, impromptu in the living room is healing and joyful, and we hold it a little longer than usual. heart-to-heart, the way we have always instinctively known repairs anything, everything.

and here's the thing. the moral of this story:
the joy of life now seems to in part come from contrast. because it's really never that bad when you stay in the moment. when you unconditionally trust. we know that everything is okay, gets taken care of, and in fact, is getting better & better. that is the underlying harmony of everything now. but as humans, we still like that little jolt, right? the blood pumping electricity. so we find something to play with.

it seems like lately, i have been finding all kinds of avenues to play in, and damn if i don't fully appreciate and love this life.

thank you~


  1. Omg -- I just love every word of this. But more so - I love, love, love how it feels! Whoa -- it just feels amazing. Everything is a call to love. And, love is joy, it's feeling good, it's feeling the life flow through you and expanding and love is your body covered with chills just because it can --- and, love is contrast. That blessed, sweet, delicious contrast that reminds us of who we've asked to become.

    Thank you for this articulating, so beautifully, what I tend to forget.


  2. How could I forget...Zoot-Zoot! <3

  3. haha, that's it - zoot zoot zoot! ♥

  4. I love you. I mean that with the utmost sincerity, of course. AND? I appreciate you so very much. I adore your perspective, and the synchronicity of this post is too too much. Thanks, and a big shout out to the Universe, too. <3 xoxo

  5. i love you too. and synchronicity. and yes! shout out to the U :)

  6. babe! was just listening to a program today about how patterns appear again in relationships so that you can choose a different possibility than you were used to choosing. amazing! beautiful!

  7. thanks, K! it is really so awesome to be able to live like this now :) i feel like patterns are things that happen in all areas of our lives, and i love discovering mine & in choosing a new reaction, i get to watch them change before my eyes. whee! xo