The Year of Truth.

Last night I sat next to the man I am married to, the man I have been with since he was a boy - for 32 1/2 years … years! - and I was nervous.  

I felt that familiar tensing on the sides of my neck, the throat tightening, the adrenaline pump.  I let it rush over me.  I rode it out instead of squirming it away, pushing it out, going to get a peanut butter cup to eat it away.  I sat with it.  I breathed through it.  I looked over at him, sitting watching football, and wished for a time-out so that there would be a commercial.  Because I felt so strongly, since the clear voice inside of me whispered in the middle of the night two nights before, What is his Truth? Why was he so upset with you looking through his stuff the other day when he went out for a motorcycle ride because you were arguing over something that you've argued over again and again in your relationship? And for that matter, why does the same thing keep rising up to the top?  And I laid there in the dark, waiting for an answer.  It didn't come. 

But, tonight, it hit me again.  Stronger.  Clearer.  TALK, it whispered.  So I gathered up my Brave, and I dove in.  No time-out had happened on the tv, but I just had to say something.  I asked him if he had any secrets from me.  And he said "No! Where is this coming from?" already aggravated, but I stayed calm.  Clear.  Letting that inner voice steady me.  "I need to know, I need us to be healthy.  To NOT have secrets anymore."  And he was squirmy and his physical self was moving to a defense, even though something held him steady, and looking straight into my eyes.  He was almost smiling.  As if some part of him was in there encouraging my inner self to keep going, to be real, to do this thing called True Connection.  He broke eye contact and tried to look at the football game, and bring up that we all have secrets, everybody does (something we've stopped at and agreed upon in the past, just to get beyond the uncomfortable Truth and dealing with all that that entailed, so we could slide back into comfortably numbness), but tonight I was not having it.  I just knew deep inside that I needed to make the line between us crystal clear, or as clear as we could possibly get in these human bodies of ours.  We have come so far in these 32 years.  OMG, SO FAR.  But right now, I felt completely sure that I wanted no more of the Same Old.  Over it.  

2016?  The Year of Truth.  I believe that with all my heart. Everything needs to come out, get clear, be told, be seen.  

And so, he tried to get up and leave the room, to squirm it away, but then something stopped him.  I was just so calm and sure, telling him that I only want this for us, even though he tried to bring up some incident that happened like, 18 years ago, that we've been over more times than I can count, as a last ditch effort for me to drop it - these tactics usually work.  Either we get into an argument over the old thing, or we argue about HOW we argued about the old thing, or we just let it all go because omg, why?  And is this even worth it?  But what is NOT worth it to me right now is that same thing.  That thing that sticks us to the same old life.  The same cycle.  I am not interested in playing that game anymore.  In living in that old paradigm.  I am interested in truth and authenticity.  In being real.  If I can't do it with my own partner, in my own life, in my own gut and heart, how can I expect anything at all to change in the world?

He sat on the edge of our bed, and looked at me.  Into my blue green eyes with his big brown cow-eyes.  Open.  And we talked about our truth, and the last little bit of what was between us.  Which Thank the Universe was not anything big, and totally normal, and when I asked if he felt weird about anything, he said no.  He is happy with himself and I am happy with myself and we have nothing to hide.  I think the thing that got him was when I asked him if he died tomorrow, and I was cleaning out his things, would I find anything that would surprise me or hurt me in some way.  Truly, I said that.  And he stopped and thought about it and didn't want that to be.  I am proud of myself.  I feel light.  I am proud of him.  He feels good too.  We hugged deeply and felt the energy flow between us.  Clear.  When he kissed me goodnight a while later, it was sweet and full.  We both slept so well.

He texted me this morning saying "Good morning, love. Thank you for wanting to and making our relationship better.I love you and want the same. It's uncomfortable for me sometimes, and that's where my angst comes from. I love you and want the best for our relationship."

 Truth has legs; it always stands. When everything else in the room has blown up or dissolved away, the only thing left standing will always be the truth. Since that's where you're gonna end up anyway, you might as well start there. 
-Rayya Elias

synchronicity. magic. mandorla. kairos.

I am doing my best lately to keep up with the magic and the cray, lol.  It sounds funny (it IS funny), but it is just ALL overlapping so much these days.  Which I love.

So my dear heart friend Flo called me yesterday and I was busy looking into the seriously mind bending, huge, grayblue eyes of a two-month-old baby.  Literally getting lost in them, and seeing the Universe swish and sway.  So I didn't answer.  I had a feeling -- like I always do -- that she would call that day too.  I love that she did.  The crazy connection we have is not really 3dimensional, so it's cool that the confirmation of that just keeps coming.  Anyway -  I knew I would call her back today, and that it would be perfect, so I did.  The first thing she says when she picks up the phone is "There you are." and giggles.  It's adorable, truly.  So I reply, "Here I am!  There you are!" and we laugh.  It breaks the ice, brings us down into the 3D where we really don't live, at least most of our relationship we don't.  We met online, on a very crazy magical website, where so many outrageous things happened and so many relationships bloomed, that it just could not (was not) a fluke.  Or coincidence.  Not that I believe in coincidence anyway, but that's a whole other topic.

She starts off slowly and a little timidly, saying gently to take what it is that I want to, to feel into what resonates with me, but that she has something to share.  I am immediately excited, so I say "Yay! Go for it", and she starts with "Oprah has this book club, and she just made a new book choice…" and I immediately cut in with "Oh my god, I LOVE Glennon! I have followed her for a while, I'm already half-way done with the book!" and she is laughing saying "Oh, my GOD." and we fly into the book and how amazing it is, how opening and full of truth, and she says "YES! I was reading it and all day kept thinking 'Call Beth!' because it reminded me of YOU.  How YOU write, and your message of authenticity and how much real life good juicy stuff you have to share, and your family, your kids, your long marriage … just ALL OF IT." and I am laughing and saying thank you, and genuinely, genuinely feeling it, because I so admire Glennon and her unique style of I'm sharing my real self with you all, like a girlfriend would, I love her writing so much that I had already signed up for a writing class that she and Brene Brown are giving next week.  I mean, see??  See the magic and the synchronicity and the fine line that connects it all?  Everything.  By some golden gossamer string.  Connected.

So here we are right now, an hour post that call, and I am grateful.  To be seen for my gifts, my writing, my heart, my knowing.. That I have something to SHARE with the world that is real and heartfelt and true.  And it gives me encouragement and so I begin.  The hundred somethings (#100Somethings) begins NOW.  I write daily for one hundred days.  Whether they get published or not, I'm not sure … but today … The Adventure Begins :)

LOVE. <3 nbsp="" p="">


mishmash. and 100Somethings.

Autumn ... it's definitely turned here. we are in fullon Fall mode.  cool wetter weather.  sweatshirts and sweaters.  i even made pumpkin muffins this weekend 😄

We had a nice long Labor Day weekend, albeit fairly uneventful.  Duncan did manage to manifest himself $$ on Sunday so he can pay for his classes that are college-level & AP exams, which was cool (a gift from his grampa).  Then, talking to Elsa about it, we mentioned that we should maybe fly to DE and do Thanksgiving there ... a random fun talk with the kids and i mentioned it later to C while we were out having cocktails & appies together and really nice minidate, and i get home to a note from my sweet stepmom saying "How do you feel about coming here for turkey day?" lmao.  She wrote almost exactly at the same time the kids & i were talking about it! *lepoof*  Magic is out in full force. {As usual, in more ways than one...}

So, on my way home from said date with Husband, above, I passed up going to Trader Joes and instead followed my heart, which brought me in front of the salty sea at the bottom of our hill, which had The Most Impressive glorious sunrays shining out of the clouds. I snapped some photos and just sat in the radiance for a while.  I noticed that above me (& consequently in some photos) was a Seagull. just hanging out and shining in the sun. So beautiful.

Later, at home with the fam again, I posted a pic on fb and even later still, when C&I were up in bed chillin, a friend wrote to me from fb and shared a deep secret of Love.  Because she saw the heavenly sunburst photo. Honored to be her (& his) witness, and to share in the New Love.  Partly because I had connected with her in the past sharing stuff I felt from her Beloved who passed into NP.  I truly love it when I connect with NP, and am able to bring that to people.  I love the pure freeflowing Magic that streams from that!

And I really love the crazy amazingness that flows from the simplicity of following my heart...


Love family genealogy - C&I were talking about it yesterday. I have been really FEELING the importance of family history, the genetic history that gets passed down in our chromosomes.  How its all a spiral, and how some stories are begging to be healed and closed. Stop the circular motion and create fresh, new, healing lives.

That's BIG. It may not make much sense, but i feel it!!  My gramma's have been encouraging me from NP. Grampa's too. Love them. Listening. Thank you.


oh, here's something else - feeling pulled to being open & taking a few more risks.  Sept always brings up a space in me :: What Now?  Like a time of new beginnings. a new year. Maybe coinciding with school starting, or my birthday ... whatever. It's there, lol. I acknowledge it.  So I decided that I will be leaning IN more. saying yes. taking a few risks. opening more to opportunities.

So... A friend who I don't see often asked if C&I wanted to join her and a handful of her friends {a table of 8}on Sept 18th for a special dinner in Poulsbo, given by a local coffee shop, helping homeless kids who will be the chefs for this dinner (sponsored by the Silverdale Chamber of commerce). I normally would shy away - not knowing the people attending, in a new place, unsure about the food, etc etc etc that my crazy mind can think about, lol. the fear side, right? so I instead just said "YES. Thank you so much for thinking of us" (who knows why she even did! I guess I shall Trust the Universe!) she bought the tickets which were $50/ea OR reserve a whole table of 8 for $400. She said she wanted to do something to honor her father who recently passed in May, who always supported the Youth in our town, and this sounded like the thing to do, that he would like, in lieu of a funeral, which she says he would hate, lol.

so, there ya go. a long stories today ... but NP and Magic and the Universe at work, and I am thinking that this dinner the night before my birthday just might be the perfect heartopening, mystical beginning to my next trip around the Sun.

I am also beginning a 100Somethings project {saw it on Bentinho's page by some girl}  And so, am trying to think of something to do that's unique & meaningful to me for 100 days that will make leading into 2017 the Best Yet.  I journaled about it this morning & am SURE it has something to do with LOVE (duh. my theme) but not sure what/how exactly ... letting it come to me so i can begin soon!! wanna do it too?



As I dropped my two youngest off at their High School this morning, I felt  little off. Not just because my daughter refused to take a first day photo, or my son was not thrilled with the convo about getting a job so he can drive himself. You know, the real stuff that happens in the car with teenagers at 6:50am, among the happy back to school banter and constantly changing radio station.
And I know I usually get a little sad when they go back, and realize how fast the summer flew by, and how time in general is going so fast. These two like to be busy, and this year is already starting to get packed so full. And then, as I drove off, I remembered that this year Isabel Joy would be starting her Senior year...
I had a friend I worked with who delivered her daughter two weeks before Isabel was born. That friend and I no longer speak, we went different ways after I quit the job where we worked together, but I saw a picture of that little girl a few nights ago on fb, now a Senior herself, and so beautiful. I just stared. Trying to picture a different life, one that we never got to live, and tried to imagine what my daughter would look like now too. A Senior. What would she be doing? And planning for? What would she look like? How would our relationship be?
I let the tears come. All I can do is cry. Because I know this about grief. There are time folds, and memories come out of the blue. Even crazy remembrances that never happened in this life, but your heart has held onto because when you lost them, your mind still went through a lifetime together.
So I cry. And at the same time I am unbelievably grateful for my son, the Junior, and his sister, a Sophomore.
Life is so twisty sometimes.
Love all of it.