brave enough.

inner passion. truth. i am filled with those things right now. this is a time for a deep let-go. breathing it all in, letting the feelings flood me, my heart bursts open like an orange, juicy and ripe. free. wet and fragrant. god, the feeling of falling in love, over and over again. all i can do is open to it all. i give up trying to control my life and what comes into it, and how and when. none of it is anything i can control. my job is to be me, that's it. be true and authentic inside. does that mean that i will be perfect? hell no. does it mean that i will do the right thing or make the right choices or even not do something that may hurt others? no. i do my best to walk the line, to stay on the side that won't hurt any one else. i do my best to shine love, because in my soul, that is who i am, what i want to be and do. but inside, that core of my being, i have to be true to that - i have to let go of what anyone else wants or thinks. i think of that movie The Notebook, at the end where he asks her "forget what he wants. forget what i want. forget what your parents want. what do YOU want?" he looks at her, his heart open and raw and wanting. but he loves her more than forcing her to stay with him. he loves her enough to let her go and tells her so, if it is what is going to make her happy. "what do you WANT?" he says again, looking in her eyes. and my heart chokes then, every time. because that's IT, right there. what is it that we want? are we ever really brave enough to go there? to feel it? to let go of every.single.other.thing, and not give a crap what anyone else thinks or wants?

right now, i want to be that brave. i want to allow it all in, all of the feelings, all of me - not perfect, a swirling balance of both good & bad, light & dark - all of me. and i want to share it with you. that is what i want.


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