life.

Pea has an earache. It makes me so sad when she is sick. It used to freak me out to no end when Bub would get sick--being a subsequent child, and getting so sick when he was a newborn, it all hit me like crazy. Okay, I was a little crazy. Just as our pediatrician. Ha. But now, Pea is the one who catches everything. And I know it is just her body telling her things, so we had a talk this morning about what scares her, and when she told me that so many things scare her, we started going over what and why. Little by little we peeled it all away, and it all came down to dying. It always comes down to fear, and the biggest fear is death. It's funny too, because how do you explain to a child that it is not them that needs to fear their own death; it would be me (and her daddy, and those she left behind on this human plane) who would be affected by it. She looks up at me with those big green eyes, they are rimming with tears and are tired from being sick, and they are the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I flood love into her little body through them. And then we scrunchie bear hug.

My husband comes home tonight. The stairs need to be vacuumed. Can I just state here and now that of all the jobs in the Universe, I hate vacuuming the stairs. Cleaning bathrooms is even below that on the list. But, of course, it is The One Thing that I know he would like to see when he gets home: clean stairs. But I digress. I miss that man when he's not here, I go through an entire emotional spectrum. But, I am not pushing against it like I know I would have in the past. I am flowing with it and in doing that, I know I am getting out of it everything I need to, all the nuggets of gold that I would never have seen before. I am learning that I can be on my own and do things myself, I am learning that I love him and just want to mesh with him when he's here, I am learning what a gift it is to have my soulmate and lover and partner with me, I am learning that my kids are amazing little beings and I feel so lucky they chose me as their mama. I am learning and growing and expanding, and damn. It feels great. It feels like that's exactly what life is all about. And good garlic, I can not wait to lay beside my man tonight.