cracking open.

reading old journals...

this is strange for me because i love staying in the now, appreciating this moment. everything is beautiful here. and as i read my old angst-filled words, i wonder: is it because things are so different, or because i am now seeing with new eyes and feeling with a new heart?

Bub was two, Pea was a baby, just 6 months old. Rosie, Mimi & Muffy were all going through some stage of teen and tween hormonal chaos. Andy was changing jobs again. my mother and i were going through big mother/daughter changes, life was busy. i try to feel it, to find myself then and hold her hand. to tell her that this is just a little blip in time, that it is a stepping stone to where you are going to be. where you want to be.

Isabel was the first step. the first star to light up and wake up the stirring inside of my soul. she cracked open my heart and with that, things had to pour out in order for the things that are there now to blossom. she showed me the canvas, the night sky with all of the sparkling lights lighting up, connecting in perfection...

i remember being so scared to let her go, to let the grief fade. i held on to that feeling, thinking that it was our connection. how silly of me. because the first feeling i had with her when she was born was so amazing. so beautiful. so pure. i felt such peace and knowing and almost elation. of course i cried deep from the heart, but once i held her, all i could possibly feel was radiating love. in that flash, i knew. she came for a reason, she gave the biggest thing she could have given-her life, for us all. for the sisters already here and the brother and sister she was still playing with in heaven. for her daddy and i. she came to show us love and embed it inside of us. she planted the seed.

can you see the garden you planted, sweet girl?

we are so connected now. in this glow i feel in my heartspace most of the time now. i am so grateful for everything; every tear, every heartache, every dance, every laugh, every fight. looking back doesn't bring me there anymore, it merely makes me smile.

thank you thank you thank you. love.