happy creating, happy weekend!
6.28.2009
6.26.2009
cracking open.
reading old journals...
this is strange for me because i love staying in the now, appreciating this moment. everything is beautiful here. and as i read my old angst-filled words, i wonder: is it because things are so different, or because i am now seeing with new eyes and feeling with a new heart?
Bub was two, Pea was a baby, just 6 months old. Rosie, Mimi & Muffy were all going through some stage of teen and tween hormonal chaos. Andy was changing jobs again. my mother and i were going through big mother/daughter changes, life was busy. i try to feel it, to find myself then and hold her hand. to tell her that this is just a little blip in time, that it is a stepping stone to where you are going to be. where you want to be.
Isabel was the first step. the first star to light up and wake up the stirring inside of my soul. she cracked open my heart and with that, things had to pour out in order for the things that are there now to blossom. she showed me the canvas, the night sky with all of the sparkling lights lighting up, connecting in perfection...
i remember being so scared to let her go, to let the grief fade. i held on to that feeling, thinking that it was our connection. how silly of me. because the first feeling i had with her when she was born was so amazing. so beautiful. so pure. i felt such peace and knowing and almost elation. of course i cried deep from the heart, but once i held her, all i could possibly feel was radiating love. in that flash, i knew. she came for a reason, she gave the biggest thing she could have given-her life, for us all. for the sisters already here and the brother and sister she was still playing with in heaven. for her daddy and i. she came to show us love and embed it inside of us. she planted the seed.
can you see the garden you planted, sweet girl?
we are so connected now. in this glow i feel in my heartspace most of the time now. i am so grateful for everything; every tear, every heartache, every dance, every laugh, every fight. looking back doesn't bring me there anymore, it merely makes me smile.
thank you thank you thank you. love.
this is strange for me because i love staying in the now, appreciating this moment. everything is beautiful here. and as i read my old angst-filled words, i wonder: is it because things are so different, or because i am now seeing with new eyes and feeling with a new heart?
Bub was two, Pea was a baby, just 6 months old. Rosie, Mimi & Muffy were all going through some stage of teen and tween hormonal chaos. Andy was changing jobs again. my mother and i were going through big mother/daughter changes, life was busy. i try to feel it, to find myself then and hold her hand. to tell her that this is just a little blip in time, that it is a stepping stone to where you are going to be. where you want to be.
Isabel was the first step. the first star to light up and wake up the stirring inside of my soul. she cracked open my heart and with that, things had to pour out in order for the things that are there now to blossom. she showed me the canvas, the night sky with all of the sparkling lights lighting up, connecting in perfection...
i remember being so scared to let her go, to let the grief fade. i held on to that feeling, thinking that it was our connection. how silly of me. because the first feeling i had with her when she was born was so amazing. so beautiful. so pure. i felt such peace and knowing and almost elation. of course i cried deep from the heart, but once i held her, all i could possibly feel was radiating love. in that flash, i knew. she came for a reason, she gave the biggest thing she could have given-her life, for us all. for the sisters already here and the brother and sister she was still playing with in heaven. for her daddy and i. she came to show us love and embed it inside of us. she planted the seed.
can you see the garden you planted, sweet girl?
we are so connected now. in this glow i feel in my heartspace most of the time now. i am so grateful for everything; every tear, every heartache, every dance, every laugh, every fight. looking back doesn't bring me there anymore, it merely makes me smile.
thank you thank you thank you. love.
6.23.2009
long weekend.
my man is gone again. we had a really nice 4 day weekend together tho...
Fridays are love & bliss being back in each others arms, mixed with those little knowing sparky looks when we catch eyes. We drove together to the Island & i did some shopping while he did some work after sharing a slice of pizza at a little outdoor table.
Saturday was chill, nothing planned which is just how i like it and he & Bub shot their bows at their target in the backyard, father and son bonding time. Harry Potter number 3 and popcorn as a family later.
Father's Day started out with eggs benedict and gifts, and really, how can you go wrong after that? There was a little tension over the flippin-flappin ipod updating, but that always happens. itunes & the ipod always drives us a little bonkers. what is honestly the coolest thing is that we can get pissed at stuff like that and even at each other, but it doesn't affect US. seriously, this makes me so damn happy, i could spit.
Yesterday, we headed over to Seattle to see daughter #2 Mimi to give haircuts to Bub&Pea. Then to dinner afterward at Ivar's where Rosie was working--so much fun. the kids were dying to feed the seagulls all of their french fries. when we got home, i situated the 2 dinners i made for him to take to the cabin today to feed him & his partner because they are too tired to even think about cooking after working a 12 hour day, and he got all the rest of his stuff together. i guess this will be our routine now for a few months. i know there will be times when we will join him at the jobsite too, but for now, this is our life. he kisses me goodbye on Tuesday mornings and holds me. he tells me he loves me, and i tell him i love him too. then he says i know, if we weren't this strong in our love, i would never be able to leave. i understand exactly what he means. we are in such a good place right now, and this being apart thing is obviously something we are supposed to be doing right now. it's all about letting go and allowing what is. there's magic there, when you don't expect anything or force anything or think it to death. when you feel the love in the moment and let that moment float until you hold each other again.
Fridays are love & bliss being back in each others arms, mixed with those little knowing sparky looks when we catch eyes. We drove together to the Island & i did some shopping while he did some work after sharing a slice of pizza at a little outdoor table.
Saturday was chill, nothing planned which is just how i like it and he & Bub shot their bows at their target in the backyard, father and son bonding time. Harry Potter number 3 and popcorn as a family later.
Father's Day started out with eggs benedict and gifts, and really, how can you go wrong after that? There was a little tension over the flippin-flappin ipod updating, but that always happens. itunes & the ipod always drives us a little bonkers. what is honestly the coolest thing is that we can get pissed at stuff like that and even at each other, but it doesn't affect US. seriously, this makes me so damn happy, i could spit.
Yesterday, we headed over to Seattle to see daughter #2 Mimi to give haircuts to Bub&Pea. Then to dinner afterward at Ivar's where Rosie was working--so much fun. the kids were dying to feed the seagulls all of their french fries. when we got home, i situated the 2 dinners i made for him to take to the cabin today to feed him & his partner because they are too tired to even think about cooking after working a 12 hour day, and he got all the rest of his stuff together. i guess this will be our routine now for a few months. i know there will be times when we will join him at the jobsite too, but for now, this is our life. he kisses me goodbye on Tuesday mornings and holds me. he tells me he loves me, and i tell him i love him too. then he says i know, if we weren't this strong in our love, i would never be able to leave. i understand exactly what he means. we are in such a good place right now, and this being apart thing is obviously something we are supposed to be doing right now. it's all about letting go and allowing what is. there's magic there, when you don't expect anything or force anything or think it to death. when you feel the love in the moment and let that moment float until you hold each other again.
6.18.2009
life.
Pea has an earache. It makes me so sad when she is sick. It used to freak me out to no end when Bub would get sick--being a subsequent child, and getting so sick when he was a newborn, it all hit me like crazy. Okay, I was a little crazy. Just as our pediatrician. Ha. But now, Pea is the one who catches everything. And I know it is just her body telling her things, so we had a talk this morning about what scares her, and when she told me that so many things scare her, we started going over what and why. Little by little we peeled it all away, and it all came down to dying. It always comes down to fear, and the biggest fear is death. It's funny too, because how do you explain to a child that it is not them that needs to fear their own death; it would be me (and her daddy, and those she left behind on this human plane) who would be affected by it. She looks up at me with those big green eyes, they are rimming with tears and are tired from being sick, and they are the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I flood love into her little body through them. And then we scrunchie bear hug.
My husband comes home tonight. The stairs need to be vacuumed. Can I just state here and now that of all the jobs in the Universe, I hate vacuuming the stairs. Cleaning bathrooms is even below that on the list. But, of course, it is The One Thing that I know he would like to see when he gets home: clean stairs. But I digress. I miss that man when he's not here, I go through an entire emotional spectrum. But, I am not pushing against it like I know I would have in the past. I am flowing with it and in doing that, I know I am getting out of it everything I need to, all the nuggets of gold that I would never have seen before. I am learning that I can be on my own and do things myself, I am learning that I love him and just want to mesh with him when he's here, I am learning what a gift it is to have my soulmate and lover and partner with me, I am learning that my kids are amazing little beings and I feel so lucky they chose me as their mama. I am learning and growing and expanding, and damn. It feels great. It feels like that's exactly what life is all about. And good garlic, I can not wait to lay beside my man tonight.
My husband comes home tonight. The stairs need to be vacuumed. Can I just state here and now that of all the jobs in the Universe, I hate vacuuming the stairs. Cleaning bathrooms is even below that on the list. But, of course, it is The One Thing that I know he would like to see when he gets home: clean stairs. But I digress. I miss that man when he's not here, I go through an entire emotional spectrum. But, I am not pushing against it like I know I would have in the past. I am flowing with it and in doing that, I know I am getting out of it everything I need to, all the nuggets of gold that I would never have seen before. I am learning that I can be on my own and do things myself, I am learning that I love him and just want to mesh with him when he's here, I am learning what a gift it is to have my soulmate and lover and partner with me, I am learning that my kids are amazing little beings and I feel so lucky they chose me as their mama. I am learning and growing and expanding, and damn. It feels great. It feels like that's exactly what life is all about. And good garlic, I can not wait to lay beside my man tonight.
6.17.2009
Lost.
stand still.
the trees ahead and bushes beside you
are not lost.
wherever you are is called Here
and you must treat it as a powerful stranger
must ask permission to know it and be known.
the forest breathes.
listen.
it answers
i have made this place around you.
if you leave it
you may come back again
saying Here.
no two trees are the same to Raven.
no two branches are the same to Wren.
if what a tree or a bush does
is lost on you
you are surely lost.
stand still.
the forest knows
where you are.
you must let it find you.
~David Wagoner
the trees ahead and bushes beside you
are not lost.
wherever you are is called Here
and you must treat it as a powerful stranger
must ask permission to know it and be known.
the forest breathes.
listen.
it answers
i have made this place around you.
if you leave it
you may come back again
saying Here.
no two trees are the same to Raven.
no two branches are the same to Wren.
if what a tree or a bush does
is lost on you
you are surely lost.
stand still.
the forest knows
where you are.
you must let it find you.
~David Wagoner
6.15.2009
us.
I look over at him and touch his muscled arm. He is perfection in his thin grey cotton sweater and faded jeans.
Are you tired? I ask him. I don't even know why I'm asking this, but his eyes meet mine, and I just feel it.
No. He answers. And then he yawns and smiles at me. Maybe.
He's leaving tomorrow again for a few nights. I hate sleeping alone. Twenty-some years of side-by-side with this one man, and it feels unnatural without him there. I wake up after turning and turning and reaching for him. When he's here, he drives me nuts snoring and wiggling and waking up to pee. But when he's not here, all I think about is his warmth and his comfort, even if we aren't touching. I miss it all, I miss him.
I look over at him and flood with feeling. And I wonder when it was that I became so attached.
***
I look back and try to recall when it was that we made the switch. The Big Change. How we got to this place of Bliss we live in now. It wasn't always like this. Yes, we have always loved each other fiercely. We have always had a very passionate relationship. And he did come to me like a dream. Just when I had stated to myself that I didn't need a man in my life *bam* he was there and not only was he there, but it was magic and he was this crazy impossible compilation of everyone I had ever loved up to that point. Only the most perfect parts. Only the parts that I had mentally, emotionally, somewhere within my soul taken note of. And the way he was, everything about him, shocked and amazed me. But the most amazing part of it all was that he felt exactly the same way. It was like our love never really had a beginning, it just was. Huge and blooming and so much more than the two of us. Our love never had a beginning because I honestly feel that our love has never had an ending.
But this lifetime together, this love, has always had challenges since those first halcyon days in college. We are raw and open and messy and fiery. We pull within, and when we close up we fight, we ebb and flow with each others moods. It's just lately that we have learned to flow together. To be completely open the way we were when we first met. To trust and allow and be and let be. It is bliss. I am so in love with life, and with him. I am so lucky.
Are you tired? I ask him. I don't even know why I'm asking this, but his eyes meet mine, and I just feel it.
No. He answers. And then he yawns and smiles at me. Maybe.
He's leaving tomorrow again for a few nights. I hate sleeping alone. Twenty-some years of side-by-side with this one man, and it feels unnatural without him there. I wake up after turning and turning and reaching for him. When he's here, he drives me nuts snoring and wiggling and waking up to pee. But when he's not here, all I think about is his warmth and his comfort, even if we aren't touching. I miss it all, I miss him.
I look over at him and flood with feeling. And I wonder when it was that I became so attached.
***
I look back and try to recall when it was that we made the switch. The Big Change. How we got to this place of Bliss we live in now. It wasn't always like this. Yes, we have always loved each other fiercely. We have always had a very passionate relationship. And he did come to me like a dream. Just when I had stated to myself that I didn't need a man in my life *bam* he was there and not only was he there, but it was magic and he was this crazy impossible compilation of everyone I had ever loved up to that point. Only the most perfect parts. Only the parts that I had mentally, emotionally, somewhere within my soul taken note of. And the way he was, everything about him, shocked and amazed me. But the most amazing part of it all was that he felt exactly the same way. It was like our love never really had a beginning, it just was. Huge and blooming and so much more than the two of us. Our love never had a beginning because I honestly feel that our love has never had an ending.
But this lifetime together, this love, has always had challenges since those first halcyon days in college. We are raw and open and messy and fiery. We pull within, and when we close up we fight, we ebb and flow with each others moods. It's just lately that we have learned to flow together. To be completely open the way we were when we first met. To trust and allow and be and let be. It is bliss. I am so in love with life, and with him. I am so lucky.
the guest house.
this being human is a guest house.
every morning a new arrival.
a joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
welcome and entertain them all!
even if they are a crow of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
he may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
the dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing
and invite them in.
be grateful for whatever comes
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
~rumi
every morning a new arrival.
a joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
welcome and entertain them all!
even if they are a crow of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
he may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
the dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing
and invite them in.
be grateful for whatever comes
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
~rumi
6.10.2009
childlike.
i am ready to play. to imagine. to fly.
i am ready to use all of the emotions that flood me, they are alive & when i incorporate them into my heart, i expand.
i am ready to be the person i have always been meant to be.
i am ready.
i am ready to use all of the emotions that flood me, they are alive & when i incorporate them into my heart, i expand.
i am ready to be the person i have always been meant to be.
i am ready.
6.05.2009
6.04.2009
life just IS, miracles just ARE.
spent a long weekend with girlfriends--soul sisters--that i met on the internet. its funny, when you become bonded thru the heart, it truly does not matter where or how you meet & connect. and seeing each other in the physical, is just the frosting.
i so love my life!
so much magic is flowing thru it right now. because its like everything just IS. there's no need to control it or try to make things happen. its really so simple. all you really need to do is let go. how funny does that sound? insane kinda, huh? but that's the trick to miracles happening. trusting that everything is going to happen perfectly no matter what. and then just riding the wave. there's no need to strong arm your life when all you really need to do is be like a child again and imagine, love, play, be silly, feel excitement, live in the moment. ahhh.
my children are my greatest teachers. i am forever grateful for those lil stinkers. and for the man who helped in their creation. our family has such amazing energy, i just love it. we drink it in like water. i breathe in their beauty & playfulness. their laughter intoxicates me. thank you.
the sunshine is radiating warmth and brightness again today. i love that great golden orb in the sky. i am going to go down to the beach when the bubbies get home and we'll splash in the water and collect rocks to paint as the sun sets. i'm feeling so free & beautiful lately. so peaceful.
breathe in, breathe out. fill your lungs with magic and miracles. they are there. in between the things we have conditioned ourselves to see and focus on. see the synchronicities that flash before your eyes all the time. FEEL them. they are connecting you to greatness. connecting you to the perfection of your life.
love ♥
i so love my life!
so much magic is flowing thru it right now. because its like everything just IS. there's no need to control it or try to make things happen. its really so simple. all you really need to do is let go. how funny does that sound? insane kinda, huh? but that's the trick to miracles happening. trusting that everything is going to happen perfectly no matter what. and then just riding the wave. there's no need to strong arm your life when all you really need to do is be like a child again and imagine, love, play, be silly, feel excitement, live in the moment. ahhh.
my children are my greatest teachers. i am forever grateful for those lil stinkers. and for the man who helped in their creation. our family has such amazing energy, i just love it. we drink it in like water. i breathe in their beauty & playfulness. their laughter intoxicates me. thank you.
the sunshine is radiating warmth and brightness again today. i love that great golden orb in the sky. i am going to go down to the beach when the bubbies get home and we'll splash in the water and collect rocks to paint as the sun sets. i'm feeling so free & beautiful lately. so peaceful.
breathe in, breathe out. fill your lungs with magic and miracles. they are there. in between the things we have conditioned ourselves to see and focus on. see the synchronicities that flash before your eyes all the time. FEEL them. they are connecting you to greatness. connecting you to the perfection of your life.
love ♥
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