As I dropped my two youngest off at their High School this morning, I felt  little off. Not just because my daughter refused to take a first day photo, or my son was not thrilled with the convo about getting a job so he can drive himself. You know, the real stuff that happens in the car with teenagers at 6:50am, among the happy back to school banter and constantly changing radio station.
And I know I usually get a little sad when they go back, and realize how fast the summer flew by, and how time in general is going so fast. These two like to be busy, and this year is already starting to get packed so full. And then, as I drove off, I remembered that this year Isabel Joy would be starting her Senior year...
I had a friend I worked with who delivered her daughter two weeks before Isabel was born. That friend and I no longer speak, we went different ways after I quit the job where we worked together, but I saw a picture of that little girl a few nights ago on fb, now a Senior herself, and so beautiful. I just stared. Trying to picture a different life, one that we never got to live, and tried to imagine what my daughter would look like now too. A Senior. What would she be doing? And planning for? What would she look like? How would our relationship be?
I let the tears come. All I can do is cry. Because I know this about grief. There are time folds, and memories come out of the blue. Even crazy remembrances that never happened in this life, but your heart has held onto because when you lost them, your mind still went through a lifetime together.
So I cry. And at the same time I am unbelievably grateful for my son, the Junior, and his sister, a Sophomore.
Life is so twisty sometimes.
Love all of it.

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