pulling me in

"If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."

The Gnostic Gospel of Thomas

stumbled upon this today. i love it. it's it reminds me of the old saying don't die with your music still inside of you. it's how i feel now. i know i need to write, to create, to get something out of me & reflect it out upon the world somehow. and so i come back to this little spot, and i open myself to what comes.

***

we sit close to each other, shoulders touching, leaning on the other. holding our ipods, we play scrabble together and play on facebook, the internet. it's funny to think about. we have been together for so long now. when we met, we had no clue about personal computers or the internet. now it is just natural. i love how we have flowed through time together. still one. the ease that we have with each other reflects that. comfortable. i love it.

it's all paradox, this life. we grow and change so profoundly over the years. yet in that, there's a stability and a harmony. we go through immense beauty and horrific pain, and we feel like things will break apart, but somehow we remain together. it's calming to be able to look back and know that our lives intertwine, that we have bared witness to such a span of transformation, of life. i am grateful.

do you want to go salsa dancing tonight, babe? i ask him.

whatever you want. he replies easily.

i lean in a little. i am already on his shoulder, so i just reach my chin up to his face, looking for his lips with mine. saltwater, the ocean. all of time. i taste him, feel him with my tongue. he responds. it's always new, funnily enough. on the screen of my closed eyes, i see colors. swirling green and blue and purple. my heart races a little. i love the trust we have with each other. complete. i can give myself over to him easily. he does the same. we open our eyes again, and smile.

what do you want to do? i say.

bask in your presence. he responds, looking at me, full in the eyes, pulling me in to the place i know as home.

on writing...

I've separated myself from here, from writing. Instead of writing, I've been living, integrating. Growing, changing. Transforming, expanding.

But now, I'm challenging myself to write again. To be creative here. On this blank white canvas, more open than the blank white canvas of my journals, which I love. LOVE. They are my lifeline, really. I need to write, it's innate in me. I need to create more than words, I doodle and draw with all of the pens I have collected, and it feels like a religion. It feels healing and alive and raw and ME. In there, I can pour forth whatever is inside of me. But, it's safe there. It's private. And maybe it's time to stop being so damn safe. Maybe it's time to try something new. Or, at least something old that feels new now.

***

I have no idea what to write about every day, but the discipline feels good. Like something I need now. I feel the need to move things inside of me outward. As my birthday nears, that is what seems to be clear. Last year this time, I felt the word action whispering on the wind. It was strong and real. To move things I was feeling into action, to become more the me I know I really am. Authentic. And to bring that into outward things. That seemed to morph into all of the inner feelings of love into outward manifestations of love. So many things changed in this last year for me. And, in the end, the action of love was really to love me.

Funny how it was always in me. The key was me. And now, I stand here so clear in my love for who I am, it's hard not to get choked up a little. Being one with life isn't just words anymore. It's a feeling. And oh, my god, that's it right there. When words aren't needed anymore and you are simply flooded with feeling, you've got it. You are it.

Feeling flows through me. I am the vessel. Clear. God, I love that.

So grateful for this past year. So excited for the year to come.

I am ready for the story that's inside of me to come out. Maybe it can come out here. That is my wish.