I felt that familiar tensing on the sides of my neck, the throat tightening, the adrenaline pump. I let it rush over me. I rode it out instead of squirming it away, pushing it out, going to get a peanut butter cup to eat it away. I sat with it. I breathed through it. I looked over at him, sitting watching football, and wished for a time-out so that there would be a commercial. Because I felt so strongly, since the clear voice inside of me whispered in the middle of the night two nights before, What is his Truth? Why was he so upset with you looking through his stuff the other day when he went out for a motorcycle ride because you were arguing over something that you've argued over again and again in your relationship? And for that matter, why does the same thing keep rising up to the top? And I laid there in the dark, waiting for an answer. It didn't come.
But, tonight, it hit me again. Stronger. Clearer. TALK, it whispered. So I gathered up my Brave, and I dove in. No time-out had happened on the tv, but I just had to say something. I asked him if he had any secrets from me. And he said "No! Where is this coming from?" already aggravated, but I stayed calm. Clear. Letting that inner voice steady me. "I need to know, I need us to be healthy. To NOT have secrets anymore." And he was squirmy and his physical self was moving to a defense, even though something held him steady, and looking straight into my eyes. He was almost smiling. As if some part of him was in there encouraging my inner self to keep going, to be real, to do this thing called True Connection. He broke eye contact and tried to look at the football game, and bring up that we all have secrets, everybody does (something we've stopped at and agreed upon in the past, just to get beyond the uncomfortable Truth and dealing with all that that entailed, so we could slide back into comfortably numbness), but tonight I was not having it. I just knew deep inside that I needed to make the line between us crystal clear, or as clear as we could possibly get in these human bodies of ours. We have come so far in these 32 years. OMG, SO FAR. But right now, I felt completely sure that I wanted no more of the Same Old. Over it.
2016? The Year of Truth. I believe that with all my heart. Everything needs to come out, get clear, be told, be seen.
And so, he tried to get up and leave the room, to squirm it away, but then something stopped him. I was just so calm and sure, telling him that I only want this for us, even though he tried to bring up some incident that happened like, 18 years ago, that we've been over more times than I can count, as a last ditch effort for me to drop it - these tactics usually work. Either we get into an argument over the old thing, or we argue about HOW we argued about the old thing, or we just let it all go because omg, why? And is this even worth it? But what is NOT worth it to me right now is that same thing. That thing that sticks us to the same old life. The same cycle. I am not interested in playing that game anymore. In living in that old paradigm. I am interested in truth and authenticity. In being real. If I can't do it with my own partner, in my own life, in my own gut and heart, how can I expect anything at all to change in the world?
He sat on the edge of our bed, and looked at me. Into my blue green eyes with his big brown cow-eyes. Open. And we talked about our truth, and the last little bit of what was between us. Which Thank the Universe was not anything big, and totally normal, and when I asked if he felt weird about anything, he said no. He is happy with himself and I am happy with myself and we have nothing to hide. I think the thing that got him was when I asked him if he died tomorrow, and I was cleaning out his things, would I find anything that would surprise me or hurt me in some way. Truly, I said that. And he stopped and thought about it and didn't want that to be. I am proud of myself. I feel light. I am proud of him. He feels good too. We hugged deeply and felt the energy flow between us. Clear. When he kissed me goodnight a while later, it was sweet and full. We both slept so well.
He texted me this morning saying "Good morning, love. Thank you for wanting to and making our relationship better.I love you and want the same. It's uncomfortable for me sometimes, and that's where my angst comes from. I love you and want the best for our relationship."
Truth has legs; it always stands. When everything else in the room has blown up or dissolved away, the only thing left standing will always be the truth. Since that's where you're gonna end up anyway, you might as well start there.
-Rayya Elias
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