breathings of my heart

No words.

2012-01-06T15:04:00.001-08:00

Writing. Practicing some kind of modicum of discipline. Ugh. I hate that word. I'm the antithesis of discipline. But, like most humans, it feels good to do it. To accomplish something. And so. I begin. Maybe not always here. I actually want to start writing in a word doc, you know, like a real writer. But still, here feels comforting, and familiar.

Deep breath.

Isabel came to me last night, I was shocked that she has been gone from me for 13 years almost now. That it has been 13 years since she danced in my belly. I laid my hand there, where she lived, and the tears came easily. Freely, purely. God, I loved her. I love her still. I heard the song today- The Impossible Dream and there's a lyric that says: "to bear with unbearable sorrow" and "to love pure and chaste from afar" and there she was again. The feelings came rushing back. But softer. More knowing. More clear. She's here, always. She is love.

And so when I think about writing, I wonder - what is the story inside of me that I need to tell? And it's never really clear. I wait for that clarity, but maybe the clarity only comes by doing it. By beginning and continuing something... I'm not sure. Maybe. I know the theme is always love. I know that the stories that capture my attention are about love. How it rolls and turns and is filled with everything; grief, joy, death, birth. All of it boils down to one thing. The pain we go through to really *feel* it, and know it, become one with it.

Life is love. Love is life.

And so. I really just want to live it. I don't know if I'm ready to write about it. The words seem so inadequate. The being and living of it means more. Sharing it from within. It's really all I can do. Be me, my truth, naked in front of you.

And so I do.

le leap

2011-12-10T14:57:00.000-08:00

constantly thinking about leaping. and growing my wings as i go. this has been a theme in my life for a while now. today, writing in my journal, and looking back to old journals - it hit me. the leap has been happening. the changes are constant. the steady flow of good feeling i have now compared to the questioning i used to have astounds me. it's a gentle movement, life is. once, my father said to me at a high school reunion of his, "time is a strange thing. day to day, not much seems to happen. but over years, the changes are evident." i didn't really get it then. i do now.

be YOU.

2011-12-05T11:46:00.000-08:00

that's the secret. just be the best you that you can be. it's like we are all puzzle pieces that fit together. and when we're trying to not be our unique self, our puzzle piece won't fit. it can't fit. i love all of our diversity so much! it's truly a gift of this life. who wants everyone to be the same? to be Stepford people? one of my favorite things are pot lucks or buffets - the more the better :) LOVE.

bésame

2011-11-30T10:34:00.000-08:00

kisses. i am grateful for long soft wet kisses. ♥

anything can be...

2011-11-26T11:14:00.000-08:00

believe. share. give of your heart. spread love. be authentic. LIVE.

my random art

2011-11-21T15:09:00.000-08:00

pulling me in

2011-09-16T15:25:00.000-07:00

"If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."

The Gnostic Gospel of Thomas

stumbled upon this today. i love it. it's it reminds me of the old saying don't die with your music still inside of you. it's how i feel now. i know i need to write, to create, to get something out of me & reflect it out upon the world somehow. and so i come back to this little spot, and i open myself to what comes.

***

we sit close to each other, shoulders touching, leaning on the other. holding our ipods, we play scrabble together and play on facebook, the internet. it's funny to think about. we have been together for so long now. when we met, we had no clue about personal computers or the internet. now it is just natural. i love how we have flowed through time together. still one. the ease that we have with each other reflects that. comfortable. i love it.

it's all paradox, this life. we grow and change so profoundly over the years. yet in that, there's a stability and a harmony. we go through immense beauty and horrific pain, and we feel like things will break apart, but somehow we remain together. it's calming to be able to look back and know that our lives intertwine, that we have bared witness to such a span of transformation, of life. i am grateful.

do you want to go salsa dancing tonight, babe? i ask him.

whatever you want. he replies easily.

i lean in a little. i am already on his shoulder, so i just reach my chin up to his face, looking for his lips with mine. saltwater, the ocean. all of time. i taste him, feel him with my tongue. he responds. it's always new, funnily enough. on the screen of my closed eyes, i see colors. swirling green and blue and purple. my heart races a little. i love the trust we have with each other. complete. i can give myself over to him easily. he does the same. we open our eyes again, and smile.

what do you want to do? i say.

bask in your presence. he responds, looking at me, full in the eyes, pulling me in to the place i know as home.

on writing...

2011-09-15T14:48:00.000-07:00

I've separated myself from here, from writing. Instead of writing, I've been living, integrating. Growing, changing. Transforming, expanding.

But now, I'm challenging myself to write again. To be creative here. On this blank white canvas, more open than the blank white canvas of my journals, which I love. LOVE. They are my lifeline, really. I need to write, it's innate in me. I need to create more than words, I doodle and draw with all of the pens I have collected, and it feels like a religion. It feels healing and alive and raw and ME. In there, I can pour forth whatever is inside of me. But, it's safe there. It's private. And maybe it's time to stop being so damn safe. Maybe it's time to try something new. Or, at least something old that feels new now.

***

I have no idea what to write about every day, but the discipline feels good. Like something I need now. I feel the need to move things inside of me outward. As my birthday nears, that is what seems to be clear. Last year this time, I felt the word action whispering on the wind. It was strong and real. To move things I was feeling into action, to become more the me I know I really am. Authentic. And to bring that into outward things. That seemed to morph into all of the inner feelings of love into outward manifestations of love. So many things changed in this last year for me. And, in the end, the action of love was really to love me.

Funny how it was always in me. The key was me. And now, I stand here so clear in my love for who I am, it's hard not to get choked up a little. Being one with life isn't just words anymore. It's a feeling. And oh, my god, that's it right there. When words aren't needed anymore and you are simply flooded with feeling, you've got it. You are it.

Feeling flows through me. I am the vessel. Clear. God, I love that.

So grateful for this past year. So excited for the year to come.

I am ready for the story that's inside of me to come out. Maybe it can come out here. That is my wish.

mishmash

2011-04-13T15:22:00.000-07:00

life is such a mishmash. of love.

it's all love.

to jump in and feel, really feel. to be yourself in every moment, whether or not you are even aware of it. to be awake is enough, you don't really need to be super focused on the moment - but when you are, that's when you really see it - you see the magic around you.

this is the way i see life, anyway. the way i live it. it's all about feeling it.

this is me.

life is good ♥

simple

2011-02-17T15:48:00.000-08:00

here's what i know: it's the simple things that are the most beautiful, the most profound.

lately, i am overcome with passion and appreciation for this man. i love his presence in my life. i love our profound intimate connection. the moments when we connect on a multitude of levels; simple yet deep.

blessed.

***

i need you to talk to me, he says.

i know, i reply.

he looks at me, waiting. and when i meet his gaze, his eyes pull me in. searching. he sees things i do not say, that i can not say.

why do you feel the need to pull away from me? he asks, my hands covered by his. his thumbs move over the back of my hand and the tops of my fingers, caressing. there's always stuff going on, Elizabeth. work, the kids, family. the cars, the house, money. but nothing to me is more important than you. talk to me.

and when i can speak, my words flood out, and he holds me where our hearts beat together, rhythmic. it's so hard not to talk, it takes more effort to stay separate now than ever, to be upset. we've crossed some line somewhere, and it's blurry where each of us begins and ends. intertwined. entangled. words aren't even needed a lot of the time. we talk, and we kiss. and he waits until we both feel the shift; the release and the relief. okay again.

i love you, my wife. he tells me as i leave the room, squeezing my bottom like he always does.

i love you, my man. i orbit around you like the sun. i smile at him. it feels light, good. pure. i am so grateful.

this is the one thing i count on; you and me. he says.

love. it's where i live. how beautiful is that?

brave enough.

2011-01-26T15:27:00.000-08:00

inner passion. truth. i am filled with those things right now. this is a time for a deep let-go. breathing it all in, letting the feelings flood me, my heart bursts open like an orange, juicy and ripe. free. wet and fragrant. god, the feeling of falling in love, over and over again. all i can do is open to it all. i give up trying to control my life and what comes into it, and how and when. none of it is anything i can control. my job is to be me, that's it. be true and authentic inside. does that mean that i will be perfect? hell no. does it mean that i will do the right thing or make the right choices or even not do something that may hurt others? no. i do my best to walk the line, to stay on the side that won't hurt any one else. i do my best to shine love, because in my soul, that is who i am, what i want to be and do. but inside, that core of my being, i have to be true to that - i have to let go of what anyone else wants or thinks. i think of that movie The Notebook, at the end where he asks her "forget what he wants. forget what i want. forget what your parents want. what do YOU want?" he looks at her, his heart open and raw and wanting. but he loves her more than forcing her to stay with him. he loves her enough to let her go and tells her so, if it is what is going to make her happy. "what do you WANT?" he says again, looking in her eyes. and my heart chokes then, every time. because that's IT, right there. what is it that we want? are we ever really brave enough to go there? to feel it? to let go of every.single.other.thing, and not give a crap what anyone else thinks or wants?

right now, i want to be that brave. i want to allow it all in, all of the feelings, all of me - not perfect, a swirling balance of both good & bad, light & dark - all of me. and i want to share it with you. that is what i want.

love.

a day for an angel.

2011-01-21T09:17:00.000-08:00

also known as: family love day ♥

driving together in the car to an unknown destination.

walking, sharing, talking, laughing, eating delicious food together.

my heart is full, the day feels surreal; time stopping, no sound. i let it fill me.

seven in the car together

remembering the eighth

a day of love, coming together

family

a chorus of voices:

let it be, let it be

speaking words of wisdom, let it be...

the harmony fills my soul

this is us now

we easily share stories

about what it would be like

if she were here with us:

her favorite color (changed now)

how she'd be as a big sister, and a little sister

and a daughter - growing up

we speak her name

breathe life into it with love

at the park together, we forgo the usual balloons

and hold hands

in the wind, we feel her in our hair

in the sun, crisp January sun, she warms our skin

in the laughter and the song, we hear her voice:

ours ... one.

always. love.

blessed.

opening.flowering.becoming

2011-01-18T13:38:00.000-08:00

I am in love with my journals & my pens. In just letting go and writing and creating. I am sloppy, and neat. childlike, with wisdom. old and new, dark and light. I shine there. I open myself completely. I have always felt source flow through me when I hold a pen in my hand. It is my magic wand. I can not help but open my soul and let it splash onto the paper. Or with a paintbrush to canvas. I wish I had the same talent here, in this little white box as my fingers move over the keyboard seemingly without thinking.

I lost something today. Something that was never mine. Something secret, something playful. I let it go yesterday, knowing this was going to happen. Convincing myself it would be easier to close myself off.

Dammit. I am so tired of closing myself off. I want to stop putting up that wall, the one i can physically feel - it's protection, it's prophylactic, it's my intuition working overtime, telling me it's time to shut off. I'm over it. I'm over closing, I'm open to raw and real. Authentic and true. Even though it aches in ways I am not ready for. The love that flows from my open heart comes in many ways - pain, tears, anger. But they are true. Still wrapped in love because they are not closed off and neatly wrapped in perfection that doesn't even exist.

I know this probably makes no sense at all. I know it only flows from my gut in words that only my heart can translate. But I know, I KNOW. I know you feel me whether you understand or not, because I am open and feeling & sharing from within.

life. it contains everything.

2011-01-16T12:49:00.000-08:00

Totally feeling ... FEELING ... everything lately. LIFE. living. aliveness. love. passion.

Being alive, being human. feeling it all. Reveling in the FULL spectrum... it's all so simple ~ it's like the thing we are trying to achieve spiritually is already built right in to the life process, in being human. the joy, the pain, the tears, the laughter.

It's balance, harmony in everything: Love AND Fear - they can live as one. When my adrenaline kicks in, and I am super scared, THAT is when everything is aligned completely - mind, body, spirit: working as one, naturally. We do it naturally! And the knowing - the TRUST - that everything is going just exactly as it should, is the safety net. It makes it totally okay to feel everything and anything. Sex love passion joy anger fear :: we came with these feelings & emotions for a reason, we came to live them fully.

Who I Am - what *I* love, it's all me, my choices, unique & perfect - and yet, entangled with all that is. The 2 become 1.

It's fucking GOOD to be alive & FEEL everything! And to allow everyone else to live their life the way they want to. I feel super tapped in, childlike, playful. Open to everything, seeing it all as a playground.

Beauty in everything. EVERYthing. Inexplicable pure glorious beauty. Alive in our bodies, the perfect energy conductor, i love it so much. We are creating through them, feeling everything completely - I am taking chances, giving love, fighting for things I believe in, being as fully ME as I possibly can be, making choices - good ones, bad ones & it's all OKAY. It's ALL good: darklight inout malefemale : Home.

simple. grace. live.
♥

wham

2011-01-13T15:03:00.001-08:00

what is it with life? always throwing you curveballs? just when you start to get comfy *wham*.

there's something different now, though. things really have shifted in my life. lately, the *wham* is something i utterly and totally believe in with all my heart. like it's here for a reason, and it holds these gifts deep inside of it, and if i'm patient and stay true in my feelings, i will see them. i will see them and hold them and they will become a part of me that sticks.

2011 has been full so far, already. and i know i have asked for these little curveballs. i know when i say outloud to the universe "i'm ready!" at the top of my lungs, that its listening. and i'm just now figuring out that not only is it listening, but its smiling like a cheshire cat as well ;)

what i know deep inside is that it's all about love. i am learning love in new ways. unconditional ways, and super-charged-feeling ways, and across time & space ways. unsegregated ways. there's really no box you can put it in. it's showing me so clearly that the energy of the heart is a force to be reckoned with.

and this trust thing i keep talking about. i wish i could box it and share that with everyone. because that is the key to everything in life. we spend so much time pushing it away, worrying, fretting, fearing, gossiping, getting caught up in hairballs of drama when if you just go back to the beginning, the childlike ease, and TRUST things just work out. and let me be clear here - that doesn't in any way stop the curveballs or the *wham*. those come with the territory, it seems, but you have a choice: look at them and trust that they are coming at you for a reason, or run for your freaking life in fear. and wash, rinse, repeat: create more of the same. believe me, i've done my share of both. but door number one works best for me, since i've been choosing it consistently for a while now. thank god i caught the clue.

i love you.

is your heart on fire?

2011-01-06T16:27:00.000-08:00

we are not here to play it safe ~ we are here to start FIRES
♡

Spilling over; everything right now is spilling over. I am letting in whatever comes to me, and that is such a serene way to live. I am blessed and grateful and just plain FULL. The people and books and music and things that are seeping into my life are just exactly perfect. I am trying to see that as its happening, in its here and now. I am trying to let go of expectation, control, need or want (it was kinda hard for me to write those last 2 for some reason, hmm), and just live in what is, this moment, this space, this big fat pulsating question mark. I hold it in my arms, but it is big, and so instead, I breathe it in. Deeply into my heart, and *bam* that spark begins to glow in there, the one I am feeling so often now, so clearly. Can you feel it? It's my heart talking to yours. Open, free. Wild as hell. Childlike wonder mixed with aged wisdom; balance of the paradoxes inside of me.

This? This is the year where love wins. Watch and see. It's spilling over onto everything, seeping in our pores, begging to drip out. We didn't come here to push out the mind or forgo the body and only live in the heart. We came with all of them aligned and in tune, we simply need to remember it. We didn't come here to be calm and meditate, we came to fucking live, baby. Live out loud. Shine our lights, who we are. And give that authenticity to the world. Sharing what is truly inside of us IS living. Relationships are key here in this earth school. Our hearts beat in tune. One. Can you hear it?

2011 = synchronicity. It's all about the yin & yang. The push & pull. The marriage of things you'd never imagine could swim together in harmony, but when you mix them, you see that they make a pattern of beauty unlike any you've ever seen.

that pattern is love.

RE.birth

2011-01-04T18:42:00.000-08:00

In Zen you are coming from nowhere and you are going to nowhere.
You are just now, here, neither coming nor going.
Everything passes by you; your consciousness reflects it but it does not get identified.
When a lion roars in front of a mirror, do you think the mirror roars?
Or when the lion is gone and a child comes dancing, the mirror completely forgets about the lion and starts dancing with the child--do you think the mirror dances with the child?
The mirror does nothing, it simply reflects.
Your consciousness is only a mirror. Neither do you come, nor do you go. Things come and go. You become young, you become old; you are alive, you are dead. All these states are simply reflections in an eternal pool of consciousness.
{Osho Osho Live Zen Tarot, Volume, 2 Chapter 16}

Commentary:
This card depicts the evolution of consciousness as it is described by Friedrich Nietzsche in his book, Thus Spake Zarathustra. He speaks of the three levels:
Camel, Lion and Child.
:: The camel is sleepy, dull, self-satisfied. He lives in delusion, thinking he's a mountain peak, but really he is so concerned with others' opinions that he hardly has any energy of his own.
:: Emerging from the camel is the lion. When we realize we've been missing life, we start saying no to the demands of others. We move out of the crowd, alone and proud, roaring our truth. But this is not the end.
:: Finally the child emerges, neither acquiescent nor rebellious, but innocent and spontaneous and true to his own being.
♥
Whatever the space you're in right now--sleepy and depressed, or roaring and rebellious--be aware that it will evolve into something new if you allow it.
It is a time of growth and change.
***
re-birth. i am ready.
love

thank you, 2010. i love you.

2010-12-31T20:27:00.000-08:00

last sunset of 2010. beautiful, magical, perfect.

2011 = synchronicity {my fave!}

one resolution :: love

here's to new beginnings ♥

finding my voice

2010-12-17T10:29:00.000-08:00

so here's where i am right now...

i know there is something here, right here, that i am on the brink of. but still, i have no idea what it is. which sounds hilarious, really. because in truth, we DO know what lives inside of us that deeply wants to get out. we DO know our innermost pleasures and secrets that are dying to get out. but there's something - something - that keeps holding me away from knowing it. why?

the answer lays waiting in the whys...

i do know that i love to write. and i love to draw and paint and create. i have this strange unique way of journaling & lettering out things mixed with art. i have all of that, and still, i wait. what i think i am waiting for is to find MY voice. what it is that I want to say, or create or do or be. in the way that I want to do it.

so i sit patiently and wait. and sometimes not so patiently and wait. because i know it's there. and i know it's ME that keeps me from it.

but with light there is dark, and with dark i see in its center, the light. i swirl them, mixing the colors on my palette holding my brush in front of the blank canvas and all i can really do is let go. trust that whatever these mixed colors do through my hand will become a painting. this is how it always goes: my within showing up without.

and i will love it. because it will be me. my voice. ♥

what is it you need to play with?

2010-12-14T12:06:00.001-08:00

so yesterday, my man & i were steeped in the middle of some contrast. and for some reason, my mind went back - like, waayy back - to how we reacted before. and i think this is because his did too. it's just so funny. we are no longer those people, we don't react like that anymore. you know, all separate and angsty, and letting our minds wander to places that are dark and questiony. and for a second, i totally let myself feel those old feelings and think those old thoughts.

and then i asked myself, why? why is this happening?
and calmly and clearly as it always comes, the answer was, YOU are creating it.
and me, screechy and annoying, omg, why> why would i do that?!
great question. the calm voice answers. what is it you need to play with?

oh, so funny. and at the same time, so fucking brilliant! what a way to look at this life we are leading, huh? what do i want to play with today?

that's how my life goes these days. nothing is really that serious. even though i texted him, and he didn't reply (just like the old days, when we deliberately got all caught up in control games with each other, lol), it was almost hard to stay thinking about it. but, i did talk to my heartfriend Tracy about it. for some reason, i still needed to get out the drama of it all.

god, T, i skype her, all exasperated. it's just that he takes material things as more important than human feelings.
and Trace, in her infinite wisdom, lets me rant away, as she serenely tells me a story about herself getting all haired out over something trivial too, ending with honey, it's a Leo trait, they have issues with needing to look good and be perfect. like seriously, all the time.
i laugh. she makes me laugh. god, i love her for that.

and so when he gets home, he tries not to look at me, but our eyes meet anyway. and i ask if he's ignoring me still, and he asks if i'm still judging him like i used to, and then we both can't help but smile. the game is over. it doesn't hold any charge because it's so not who we even are anymore. his hug later, impromptu in the living room is healing and joyful, and we hold it a little longer than usual. heart-to-heart, the way we have always instinctively known repairs anything, everything.

and here's the thing. the moral of this story:
the joy of life now seems to in part come from contrast. because it's really never that bad when you stay in the moment. when you unconditionally trust. we know that everything is okay, gets taken care of, and in fact, is getting better & better. that is the underlying harmony of everything now. but as humans, we still like that little jolt, right? the blood pumping electricity. so we find something to play with.

it seems like lately, i have been finding all kinds of avenues to play in, and damn if i don't fully appreciate and love this life.

thank you~

photo art + words

2010-12-14T11:00:00.000-08:00

friendship, part deux: authenticity.

2010-12-13T09:17:00.000-08:00

i've come to a whole new place regarding friendship. i love how bumps like this don't have to become mountains anymore. that when i stay centered in myself and in my knowing, the only thing that can come out of it is good.

my girlfriend and i had the most open and honest talk the day after i wrote this. it felt amazing and i felt so scared and vulnerable at the same moments that i felt powerful and proud of myself. i felt alive! and so did she. and when you stay in that place of truth, you can still be emotional and say what you feel, but it isn't about bashing anyone, it is simply about finding the core of the problem and speaking from the heart about it to each other. i love this friend for hanging in there and wanting authenticity AND our friendship as much as i did.

my heart overflows for interactions like this in my life. thank you!

and doing things like this, sharing from the heart in pure honesty without needing to blame anyone or anything else for where *I* am in my life, is amazing. it opens up more avenues for authenticity. it's like a snowball effect. unconditional love for yourself and for others, mixed with this genuine unconditional trust in the Universe, knowing that everything is happening exactly the way it's supposed to for you and your life is the way i want to be. the way i want to live. because it feels SO good, there are no words.

and from this interaction, others were birthed. being able to hold a space of clarity in my interactions last week while making some pretty big decisions felt great. i can come from this place of harmony for others AND truly honor myself.

we are all imperfect. and the whole point is to understand that, embrace it even, and love each other ... anyway. maybe not needing to repair a broken friendship that no longer fits or to be involved in a group that no longer feels like it's expansive in your life, but being able to unconditionally love the individuals anyway - allowing them to be, do, have what they want, while staying true to what you really want too.

ahhh. this feels so good.

SO grateful for everything that happened and changed last week, and ready to see what's in store this week :)

friendship...

2010-12-05T14:02:00.001-08:00

today i am pondering friendship.

what does it mean?

my mother taught me how to spell friend by telling me that it ended in "end" - as in, you are friends till the end.

i believed her.

sometimes i feel like i hold things too closely, too sacredly, too much in my heart. i trust and i let go and i give of myself and then i question why after something goes awry. i'm not even sure why or how it went awry either. then i question myself ... like, maybe i'm just naive and a sap and only see the best in people. maybe i don't see clearly, and that's how i get blindsided.

oh, hell.

who knows? but questioning myself just feels like shit, so i give that up and go back to knowing that everything is happening as it should. nothing is a coincidence, it's all perfection and grace in action. i can only be me. and if i love who i am, it really doesn't matter who else does, or why they choose not to. i know i've done nothing wrong. i know i've done everything right. so what is there to really question?

there's this little part of me that wants to rant and rave and say wtf? to lay it all out and ask why all of HER choices ended up making her upset with me. because seriously. nothing could be lamer or feel crappier. but writing that made me laugh. it's really just funny. it's really just life. and there may be some truth to that cliche saying about some friends being in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

i can't change any of it. i wouldn't want to stop having connections that expand me and inspire me and make me feel open and happy just to wonder if maybe this friendship is going to be short-lived. i'm doing my best lately to live with my whole heart. and to live like that in my friendship world would totally contradict everything encompasses.

i think, however, that i will be a little keener about the signs i pick up, about how this friend seemed to take much more than she ever gave, that i spilled things way too easily because i felt like we were simpatico, that she got it, that she got me. and oh what a high that is, to think we have come across a soulmate. someone to share with who will hold you as dear as you hold them. or really, as dear as you hold YOU.

i have that in my life, and god, i am grateful for it. but it's not the cutout that most relationships are made from. so, i humbly accept that. and i accept me, for everything i am anyway.

i accept my imperfections and theirs. i love them for theirs and i love me for mine. i love knowing that it's all okay. it's all a learning experience, it makes me grow, it makes me bloom in ways i didn't know were possible.

standing in vulnerability with my arms open, my heart bleeding, looking up to the sky letting the rain hit my face melding with the tears.

fresh.

snowglobe.

2010-11-30T10:29:00.000-08:00

I want to write again. I've been feeling a big stirring inside to write a story, the one that lives inside of me and for some reason keeps peeking its head out and then tucking back in, like a shadow. Why? Why keep letting it hide? Why not write and write and keep writing until something that resembles a novella, a story, an essay -- something, anything meaningful comes out.

I can.

***

Life here feels a little like it's on hold. I tilt my head and listen. For what? I ask. I hear the sound of the rain on the skylight and the tick and hum of the heater. In the distance I hear a crow caw, and that feels the most like my heart right now. Calling out, screeching almost. I don't want to feel restless anymore, I want to feel fulfilled and relaxed. HA! My mind actually laughed at that as I was writing it. Fulfilled and relaxed? it echoes. Oh really? And isn't that what you have been up until now? So then, pray tell, why are you so friggin bored?

I guess it's that time again. Time to shake things up like a snowglobe.

I'm ready.

onelove

2010-10-06T12:03:00.000-07:00

He texts me. I answer. Then he calls me, "I wanted to hear your voice," he says simply. This means he is gauging my mood. Or sometimes it means he misses me. The connection between us is alive. Electric. Energy swirling between his body, his vessel, and mine. We didn't create this, it is bigger than we are. It is it's own entity :: love. It is the one thing in this life I can always and forever count on. When we are together, we hug heart to heart and the conduit is opened between us. The flow pours through me to him, and back again. We know how to fill each other up without really knowing at all. When we are apart, we imagine. I close my eyes and my imagination soars. I trust it now, it doesn't often fail me. My visions are my truth.

My life has become swirly and magical. I want to share it with the world.

One love~

i'm ready~

2010-09-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

check out my new facebook page Breathings of My Heart ~ my art and snippets from my hand-written blogs are there. i kinda love it.

flying free,
~me ♥

jello time.

2010-09-20T20:22:00.000-07:00

it's so intriguing to me how time moves. i think about writing here often, but then i look and it's been a month between posts. i just keep waffling about how i want to write here, how much of myself to lay on the line.

i had a birthday yesterday, it was divine. beginning with a big homemade by my man & offspring with love brunch of eggs benedict, oven roasted pototoes, mini cinnamon rolls, fruit, creamy cafe au lait, and mimosas. the big girls & their respective beaus were all here, so there were ten of us. i love that we've gone from "party of seven" to "party of ten". i love the number 10. it is my initials, after all.

we had an amazing day and then drove to Tacoma to see my brother & sister-in-law, whose birthday is the same day as mine, for their baby boy's first birthday party. Boen is the cutest thing. i dreampt of him before he was born, more than once. he is quiet, but we link eyes & there is a knowing from somewhere beyond this time & space.

today feels slower somehow, like my body is catching up to what is. i'm in jello time, i feel swoony and a little tired. and very blissful. i love my life. this year is going to be amazing.

poetry of the heart

2010-08-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

the air changes. the leaves turn.
change is in the air
and i ride it like a wave.
my heart floods with wonder
what next?
i ask the heavens.
in response, there in music
soft music in my ears
that touches my heart.
~more~
it answers.
the time seems to be
in such swift motion lately
and i wonder
is it really moving this quickly
or am i just catching up with it?
♡

falling forever.

2010-07-20T21:44:00.000-07:00

How do you look back upon 25 years? How do you tell the story of a life that began with two people, kids really, barely out of teenage years, who joined together because of a force that is stronger than the both of them? How do you get anyone else to feel the innocence and magic of the beginning and the deep richness that was born from that. The pain, the fiery arguments, the looks in each other's eyes, the love. The tearing down and the building up.

The ebb and flow of the day in and day out of a life the two of us built together. We created life, gave birth together, held each other in the deepest grief. We separated and came together again. And here we stand, still holding hands. Knowing that each other is our witness, our rock, our recharging battery. I read once that we can grow so much in life being able to be fully ourselves, witnessed by another human being, and loved anyway. No matter what. That in that breeds some kind of safe feeling, a place to fall and still be held. Being a part of a love that lasts forever, beyond time, is a gift. I hold it in my hands gently. He is my best friend, my lover, my partner, my mate. But really, there are no words for what he is to me. There is no way to convey the story of this life we have lived together. All i can really say is that I am so, so grateful...

In my dreams, he is always there. He is the one I go to sleep with and wake up next to. His kisses are like breathing. And his eyes, the ones that felt like home when I first looked into them still pierce my soul. I fall into them, and I know that nothing will ever change that.

He and I ... it's not perfect. It's not without pain. But the constant is us. And we will continue falling in love forever.

**happy 25th, baby. I love you**

candles of love.

2010-06-28T15:57:00.001-07:00

i believe that each of us is a candle shining brightly ♡ we are all love ♡ when our flames touch ♡ we can light another & another & another...

share your love ♥ can you think of a more precious amazing beautiful gift?

i love trees.

2010-06-18T13:54:00.001-07:00

i see them from my bedroom window, awaken to a beautiful sea of green each morning. the boughs have formed a heart-shape

the vines reach upward to the sky. they tell me things like trust, freedom, you can reach for more

these 2 trees, side by side, are love. their branches reach out and wrap around each other. they teach me lessons of unconditional love, of faith, of growing together in harmony

trees know how to flow with the weather, they bend with the wind, they don't fight against anything. they teach me patience, and flow. they teach me so much. i love you, sweet trees

remember.

2010-06-11T13:15:00.000-07:00

i am swooning in admiration for those who are open, writing from the soul & baring their hearts for all to see.

i want this. i want to be able to share with you all in that way. maybe that's not even true. maybe what i really want is to do this for myself. maybe i want to write for me.

starting from what point, i wonder. where do i begin?

maybe with sharing some things about me - whatever pops into my head, and see where that takes me.....

{blink blink blink goes the curser ... waiting, patiently}

:: i've always loved writing. as a kid i was way more open and imaginative than i am now. ack-i need to change that limiting belief: i am just as open and imaginative now, or more :)

:: my dog is annoying me right now for some reason. she digs in the garbage & i get mad at her, and it's this circle game we play. i like that she loves me no matter what i do, and i think that lesson she gives me every day is a huge one. and i am grateful for seeing it right now.

:: the other night, while my husband was working out, he was sitting on his workout bench, and i stood before him and looked into his soulful beautiful brown eyes, and ran my hands down his outstretched gorgeous arms. i breathed him in, and he pulled me closer and breathed in too. we do this often, it recharges us somehow.

:: thinking about that, and the way we were both present in the moment together makes me fill with love. for everything. i think that is what life is really all about, those moments.

:: those are the moments i want to capture somehow, to write about, to share. i want to find prose for the beauty and the pain and the inbetween of life as we live it. i believe in sharing our stories because it connects us from that invisible string, deep in our bellies, to each other. even though we are all unique and our stories are different, there is this underlying wave of emotion that finds something in this bare truth telling to be a glue that holds us together. it sparks our own baring of the soul, and it sparks a remembering so deep.

remember.

my story is mystery.

2010-06-06T15:02:00.000-07:00

my story is mystery~~intertwined. Letting go of any need to control it, little by little... this feels so good, freeing and wrapped in trust, able to flow on the playful wave of the unknown. This used to feel scary to me, now it is becoming the new natural. i love this.

tomorrow I begin a 10 day cleanse, i'm excited for it. Ready. i know it is going to bring up so much inside of me, and I am hoping to be able to share it here. i am hoping that the flood gates i open up inside will be transferable to this page. i vow to at least try … for you and for me, a sort of recorded reflection of my inner and outer changes & discoveries. I feel so light & airy. So open. the journey of delving inside has been so beautiful for me these past few years, and i am so grateful for where i am and for who i am becoming.

Somehow intertwined with everything, one. A beautiful mystery unfolding before my eyes.

Time stands still.

2010-05-31T18:51:00.001-07:00

I sit out back on the concrete steps just outside the french doors. The breeze is blowing, the sun is shining. I breathe in. Colors dance around me, in their springtime playfulness, as the hazy sun shines through the young bright leaves as they sway.

My son and my man have bows in their hands, and they pull them back to their cheeks and let arrows fly into the target on the fence. The woosh of the arrow matches the woosh of the wind, and the thud of the arrow hitting is fast and hard. The boys look at each other and discuss technique, and I sit, taking it all in. A boychild we thought we'd never have, growing tall now, and my husband with his hand on his shoulder guiding him. It's a dance, and the love between them is easy, gentle, beautiful, and strong - all at the same time.

wildflowers.

2010-05-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

It is early morning and I awaken as I roll over. I love to sleep in on weekends in our big bed, it is so soft and warm and comforting. The fans blow softly around me and the rhythm of my man's breathing calms me and sends me back into a dream-filled sleep…

I am youthful and petite in the way that young women are, wearing a flowy pink slip of a sundress and white flip flops. Freckles spatter across my face from the sunshine. I’m in a field of wildflowers and when the wind blows, the warm sweet scent of them flows through my long blond hair. I look behind me just before he, young and virile with full wavy hair, grabs my waist and pulls me toward him. We laugh. My stomach flutters with the excitement of new love and I turn and reach up and look into his eyes. He smiles at me with a look that makes me want to know him. He draws me in and talks to me through the sparkles in his eyes and nothing more. I can’t resist, so I lick my lips as I look straight at his and kiss him. He loves that I am the one who kissed him first, I can tell by the way he looks at me and the way his body feels against mine. In that moment we are both so alive with the feeling of love for each other and even more, the knowledge that the intensity of that love is returned. We fall down into the soft grass and wildflowers and kiss some more. The wind blows.

The air from the fan slides across the quilt and I roll over and start to float away from my dream and instinctively reach for him as the orange sun peers through the blinds. The covers fall away and the air from the fan sweeps across our bodies. He moves. I look at his face with my sleep-filled eyes and there are wrinkles where there used to be none, but when he opens his soft brown eyes, the look he gives me is still the same. His solid warm body feels the same against my soft one. He puts his hand through my hair and kisses me.

“Do you smell wildflwers?” he asks sleepily.

anew.

2010-05-21T10:38:00.000-07:00

IT'S TIME TO STEP COMPLETELY OUT OF THE BOX. UNLIMITED THINKING.

I love this {thank you, Sierra}. Adventure. Unlimited possibilities. Step in. Swim in something new and exciting. Make each day something exciting! This is how I want to live my life right now, this is what's calling me. I am seeing things around me that are signs, and I know it's all me talking to me. I am ready. So ready!

“Tell me what will you do with your wild and precious life?”

-Mary Oliver

The ancient Essene masters viewed the human body as a convergence point through which the forces of creation join to express the Divine Will. For this reason, they regarded our body as a sacred place; a temple for our soul.
It is within our body-temple that the forces of the cosmos unite as an expression of time, space, spirit and matter. More precisely, it is within the experience of time and space that spirit works through matter to find the fullest expressions honoring life.

The Issaiah Effect by Gregg Braden

write.

2010-05-17T09:50:00.001-07:00

everything around me is telling me to write. it is whispered in the winds. i can either take it to heart, soak it up and listen, or ignore it.

i think i will listen.

what does this mean for me? i'm not sure. writing more here again? writing a story? writing poetry, or delving into my handwritten journals more? i'm not sure. but i trust that the answer is there, wrapped neatly in the task.

***

i do know that right now is a time of clearing out for me. sort of like spring cleaning. there are so many wonderous things surrounding me, so many things that fill my soul. and then there are things that don't feel good anymore, that simply don't fit. and so, i lovingly let them go. i give them closure and say goodbye. there is power in goodbye. i feel that so strongly now. it's all a choice. the great gift of this life is free will. i choose what to put my focus on, and in that i give it life.

what is it that i want to give life to?
beauty
love
peace
joy
softness
harmony
song
dance
playfulness
sweetness
gratitude
compassion
understanding
humility
valor
forgiveness
♥

a deep trust in life~

2010-05-03T14:24:00.000-07:00

The flow. The transition. This moment. The magic it can bring.

What I've been feeling lately and knowing in that space deep inside my heart is that it really is that stillness, the release, that makes a difference in this life. It is the line between control and ease. It is trust in the truest sense of the word.

In the middle of the chaos that surrounds me--the children who need something, the others who are squabbling, the dog chasing the squirrel, the husband coming out of the shower with that look ... and me, just wanting nothing more than to write from my soul--I can be the observer, or I can become a part of it. Each space has a life of its own, and in each moment is a choice.

I know can not control any of it, I only ride along. The wave carries me this way and that, and I cherish those times when my heart takes over and my mind falls away. Everything is surreal then, so beautiful. Perfection.

I can see each thing play out from a place that is high on a mountaintop, and I feel the interplay with my whole being. Peace overcomes, and I allow everyone around me do what is in their souls too from that vantage point, as I release my grip on any of it. On anything and everything. It is liquid. Water, moving on its own, in its own way, and I become as still as I can be. The current owns that space.

Life is just a series of plans. Plans you make that don't come to fruition, or take sharp turns. My life is full to the brim with things I have created. I can choose to look at them with love, because they are mine, or I can kick and scream and try to wrench them into something that they are not, because they are not 'perfect'. Because they're not what I expected or asked for. Because I wanted something different, and my spring vacation didn't go as planned when the money wasn't there yet; or the alone time to write I had hoped for was interrupted by my man or my child or both; or a call with friends didn't happen when the internet was disconnected.

I can question all of this, or I can take the moments as they come, imperfect as they are, and become one with my life the way it is. And in that, I can realize what a gift the flip was: I can love the fluctuation, the movement, the interruption.

That constant flow is alive. It is life force itself. And in the morning light, when the sun comes through the window slats, bringing in a New Day, and the rainbows dance on the wall from the hanging crystals, I open my eyes and whisper Thank You. Still in the dreamy opaque place where intuition and feeling prevails, my soul is stirred. And I get so clearly: Trust life. Let go. Do nothing. Allow.

And inevitably, it always turns out that the plan that didn't go as it was supposed to, becomes a thing of art. When I can slow down the ebb and flow and stop in the moment, not asking for more or think beyond it and become stillness itself, that moment becomes The Magic of Life. Just there in harmony. It is so beautiful my eyes are blinded, but I take a photograph with my heart.

I have found the paradoxes never end in this life. Life is playful and it likes to tell a new story, one you haven't thought of yet. Befriend that.

Trust life. It really is the most beautiful thing.

the echo of life

2010-04-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

Mountain Story...
(An old favorite)
A son and his father were walking on the mountains.
Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
Curious, he yells: "Who are you?"
He receives the answer: "Who are you?"
And then he screams to the mountain: "I admire you!"
The voice answers: "I admire you!"
Angered at the response, he screams: "Coward!"
He receives the answer: "Coward!"
He looks to his father and asks: "What's going on?"
The father smiles and says: "My son, pay attention."
Again the man screams: "You are a champion!"
The voice answers: "You are a champion!"
The boy is surprised, but does not understand.
Then the father explains:
"People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE.
It gives you back everything you say or do.
Our life is simply a reflection of our actions.
If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart.
If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.
This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life.
Life will give you back everything you have given to it."

YOUR LIFE IS NOT A COINCIDENCE.
IT'S A REFLECTION OF YOU!

the two of us.

2010-04-06T17:06:00.000-07:00

I look over at him and touch his muscled arm. He is perfection in his thin grey cotton sweater and faded jeans.

Are you tired? I ask him. I don't even know why, but his eyes meet mine, and I just know.

No. He answers. And then he yawns and smiles at me. Maybe.

I look over at him and flood with feeling. And I wonder when it was that I became so attached.

***

There are seeds we plant inside of us. Hope seeds, Love seeds, Joy seeds. Today, I will get my hands dirty and I will plant some seeds.

***

I look back and try to recall when it was that we made the switch. The Big Change. How we got to this place of bliss we live in now. It wasn't always like this.

We have always loved each other fiercely. We have always had a very passionate relationship. He came to me when I was clear inside that I didn't need a man in my life. Then, like magic, he was there and not only was he there, but it was insanely synchronistic and he was this crazy impossible compilation of the most perfect aspects of everyone I had ever loved up to that point. It all just fell together so quickly, so perfectly. No one could plan something like that. And the most amazing part of it all was that he felt exactly the same way.

It was as though our love never really had a beginning--it just was. But I believe that's because our love has never had an ending.

But this lifetime, this love we've both chosen to have, we are raw and open, passionate and secure in some unknown force that binds us. But if we pull within or close up, we fight and the fiery side takes over. We feel each other so much that we ebb and flow with each other's moods, sometimes getting tangled in it, and it feels as if we may sink. But, then The Big Change happened, and we have learned to flow together, and stay floating. To be completely open the way we were when we first met. To trust and allow and be and let be what it was meant to be. Free, authentic, blissful. Love.

shine your light.

2010-03-26T13:21:00.000-07:00

Inspire is my word today. I love that word, it feels so good. To inspire is to be inspired. I see so many people around me opening up and making big changes in their lives. It is amazing how people are coming into their truth, as if it can no longer be contained. It is fantastically inspiring.

I know for me, I am feeling very clear. I feel like a cup overflowing with feeling, and I know that is what I am here to share. Let it spill out of all of you, your truth and wisdom and love. It's all one, just as we are all one. Ride the wave, the water beneath us always supports us. It's that simple, don't fight the natural flow of your life, hook into it.

I feel like NOW is the time to make some bold choices in our lives, to feel your way, to get clear inside. Love yourself. And then make choices that really matter. That are authentic, that speak to your heart. Think big, see the big picture, it is no longer time for small choices. In 10 years, where do you want to be? Who do you want to be? Be brave, surrender to who you are, step forward.

We are all in this together, making choices in our lives that affect the others around us. Let's hold hands and take the leap together.

love ... it really is the answer. that i know for sure.

trust. LOVE.

2010-03-25T15:38:00.000-07:00

❤

I finally got it. It's funny - what you are looking for is always right in front of you. I am here to guide people to feeling love. The clearer I become internally in who I am, the more the frequency of love pours through me like water. I am so grateful for everything that is coming to me now. I am flowing in my knowing. I am love. I will be a beacon for love.

❤

my journey~it is always taking place.

2010-03-23T15:08:00.000-07:00

This morning during my blissful meditation, I was wanting to know what it is I am supposed to be doing and my inner voice said to me "take my hand, we will go on a journey today." That felt so wonderful, so peaceful and calming. And we took a walk through all kinds of beautiful gardens, wildflower fields, beaches. My heart filled up with the simple glory of our world. And then we travel to even more fanciful places that held unicorns and crystal buildings, and succulent fruit trees and vegetable gardens, and colorful flowering trees with faeries all over them like bees. The Universe is mine to see. Mine to play with, mine to interact with as I please. What an enchanting gift.

That gift is all of ours, it is our magic. We paint the picture with our imaginations before it ever shows up on this screen we are living in now. It's so sweet to see things this way. Today that has really become so clear, that everything is a droplet of golden light: perfection. I take everything as it comes to me knowing that it is supposed to be exactly this way, and then it is easy to merrily interact with it. Everything is good :) It really is. That thought just makes the smile never want to leave my face; I'm walking around with a permaplastered gleeful grin!

And so, I keep hearing from my inner self and guides and angels to stay looking within. The answers are not without, as I have been reaching for {in desperation}. I am just feeling so close to knowing, to popping out with my dream, that I am wanting to leap on that. I am looking everywhere for it. But softly, lovingly, with amusement, they wait. And when I am calm, the love fills me, and I know. I know that everything is okay, it's just what it's supposed to be right now. No need to push for anything, because everything that IS happening IS part of my dream. I am a mother, a friend, a wife, a lover, a sister, a daughter, a teacher, a guide. I am doing it all just as I am, I am affecting more than I even know just by being authentic and real and sharing that from my depths, from my soul. I am letting my heart guide me, and when I try to take over with want, it clogs up. "Unclog, sweetheart," I hear. Take my hand and see the journey today, it is yours. And it is a very, very beautiful thing.

a dream is a wish my heart makes

2010-03-22T09:23:00.000-07:00

One regret, dear world,
that I am determined not to have
when I am lying on my death bed
is that I did not kiss you enough.
~ Hafiz

Excitement❤Exhilaration❤Experimentation❤Enthusiasm

I feel such love bubbling up in my belly! I just feel sooo strongly that THIS is a huge transformation year. That this, right now, is going to spill outward and create everything I dream of for my life. I am the dreamer AND the dream.

I love how my appreciation just grows inside of me and spreads out in tears and laughter and little nuggets to others. I know in my soul that this is what I am here to do - to share myself in my most loving and creative way with the world. I am on the doorstep of seeing just how this is going to work and come about. I trust with everything that I am that it will keep coming to me the way it has been and that I will be doing it before the end of this year and living my fullest dreams and making more.

I know that I have a unique gift. It is close, because I feel it bubbling up - reaching out, taking on a life of its own, swirling above me ready for me to tap into the right experiment that makes it come to fruition.

Inside of me I feel like Spring. Basking in the sunshine, feet in the earth taking root, drinking water becoming clear and reaching for the sky.

It takes a lot of courage to release
the familiar and seemingly secure,
to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what
is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in
the adventurous and exciting,
for in movement there is life,
and in change there is power.
- Alan Cohen

i love my magical life.

2010-03-19T11:38:00.000-07:00

I am giddy today! SOOooo joyful. So peaceful, calm & knowing. It's like *pop* everything has come into focus. The feeling inside of my belly is ME, it's what guides me, it is my zero point, my connection to god. I am so settled in that. What do I really know about anything? What do I know about what's right or wrong for me, or for anyone else? Nothing, I release it all. And that feels like sacred truth. Freedom. Trust.

And the veil fades away, little by little. Sunshine shining into my soul.

I can see my life unfolding, wrapped in wonderous gifts. I am so grateful for all of them. For everyone I am surrounding myself with right now, for everything that is coming into my life effortlessly. It feels precious in my hands, all of it. Today, it's just so clear that everything, every sngle thing, is the way it's supposed to be. This is the feeling of bliss. This is why we are alive.

I look out my window and see the wind blow through the trees. Green swaying in a wave. I wave back. My trees are so loving and gentle, so healing. I have noticed how much they are growing all of a sudden. Yes, it's Spring, but this is growth is from our exchange of love, I know it. I admire how they bend and sway even as something else is pushing them. The don't push back, they just go with it. They dance. I will dance too.

My word today is Playful/Childlike. It made me chuckle when I got it. Sweet bubbles of laughter during meditation, seeing Buddha, smiling so joyously. Egging me on, to giggle with him and All That Is, to shine glee upon everyone and everything I see and do today. To dance in the courtyard, to shoot dolphin arrows at everyone I see, to blow bubbles with the kidlets, to have a tea party, to play on the beach, to get out the candles & light them for no reason other than to blow them out in celebration of this very day.

Today, I am holding hands with the Universe, and finally, finally honestly savoring what is. It really IS the journey that matters. Each step in the mud, each cleansing shower, each rainbow reached, all of it is me. And the feeling in my belly is not being held back anymore.

I love my magical life.

Just how much flippin JOY can you take?

2010-03-18T08:54:00.001-07:00

You will deeply feel that the greater
your ecstasy, your pleasure, and your joy
the more you contribute to the world.
~william reich

I'm so amused at what a paradoxical world we live in. We want to be happy, but somehow it is unbelievably uncomfortable to us to hold for long periods of time. It's like being bummed out has to come in and break up the joy in our lives for us to feel normal. Where did this come from? We are so unaccustomed to feeling amazing and holding that feeling, that I think we actually set out to find things that will bring us down, it's like our blanket, what we know, what seems to be right.

I know that I used to totally {unknowingly} sabotage my own relationship by having this little nagging limiting belief that when things were going super great, it couldn't last. And as soon as I spoke of it or settled into that feeling of pure joy and love, the other shoe would fall and it'd be all over. And whatta ya know? It happened every time, like clockwork. The funny thing is, in the midst of this, and being asleep in my life and just letting these things roll this way, I felt normal. I could whine to my friends and they would understand and say "Yes, totally, I know what you mean!" Back when I worked at the hospital, my coworkers and I would spend the first part of our mornings getting coffee and going over all kinds of things that sucked about our lives.

This makes me totally laugh now. I love the turn my life has taken. I love understanding the way things really work now, and that I am in control of everything. Every single thing that happens in my life is mine to own. And I have to say, the hardest thing--still--is holding the happy thoughts and pure joyful feelings for long periods of time. But what I love is that I am changing that day by day, moment by moment, by being aware.

When I first started waking up to my life, I felt it most at work. The uncomfortable feeling in my gut that I was now becoming so attuned to. And I started saying to myself over and over love.joy.peace. in my head when I would feel icky and people would start gossiping or talking about being miserable, perpetuating the negative cycle. I started writing those words over and over in my notebook at meetings instead of taking notes. When I quit, not long after, my manager said she knew, she could feel it because I had been separating myself and not joining in any more. I love that somewhere inside of me, I just knew. I knew the words to say over and over to get my head out of the usual crap thoughts that unconsciously run through it all day. It was my first step.

I began saying that in my head when my husband and I would get into a trivial argument over nothing. They are always over nothing. Very soon after starting this, he began to change as well. I'm so lucky to have a man who is intuitive, and our personal expansion seems to benefit us both, even before we are able to put it into words and talk it out. This is not to say that it was all peaches and cream, it wasn't. I was changing so quickly, that he was knocked off balance at first. He was unsure what all of this meant, I was completely changing our lives together.

But I stuck with it, I would say "Why does this scare you so much? I am not doing anything wrong, I am just being more loving and positive." and this would stop him. The part that scared him the most, I think, was that I was becoming a sovereign being, independent, striving for myself and everyone to be free, and allowing everyone else to be who they are as well. He took this to mean that I was separating myself from him and our relationship, but I wasn't. I was just redefining it for myself. It was something I had to do, and he could join me or not; but I would really, really love it if he did. And we grew together, stronger, better, much more open and into unconditional love. Or at least that is what we aim for on a daily basis. And it feels great, I highly recommend it. Even as scary as it is in the beginning.

Peace Love Joy - this is where I live now, Why don't you join me? Tell me, just how much flippin JOY can you handle? :)

❤

my true heart.

2010-03-17T14:18:00.001-07:00

I have been so sleepy lately. Wrapped in a soft haze of peacefulness that keeps calling me back inward. And so I go. I fall into it. I hear and feel that it is okay, this is what I need in this moment or I wouldn't be doing it. I never sleep this much, my mind retorts back. And yet, my loving inner self takes over, and I let go.

I suppose this is a metaphor for my life. I am letting go and my inner self is taking over more and more and I love it. So much. Yesterday, I felt frustrated about Chuck and my mother in law, but very quickly, I was like "why?" and so I let it go, and instead I told him I wasn't mad, that I loved him, and at dinner we talked a little about it and then laid together afterward. It's so funny how our minds want to take us to a place in the past or future and trick us into not completely loving this moment, right now. The one where he is here with me, flowing his beautiful strong love onto me the way only he can, infiltrating every cell of my being, making me sink into love and comfort and joy. I am grateful that I didn't miss that moment. I am grateful that I didn't stay upset and let us both get pulled into that vortex of anger and fighting the way we used to. It was our dance, we feed so easily off of each other's emotions, and it was fiery and passionate and hot, but it was not good for our hearts. We both came to that conclusion together, thank god. We both understood that love doesn't need to be a rollercoaster to feel good. Love IS feeling good. It is self-contained beauty. I am so grateful that we are there now, together. True soul mates, pushing each other in this life to be better, to understand the truth, to keep expanding. We are now expanding in mostly the positive frequencies and that makes life so delicious. So marvelous. Thank you.

***

Yesterday, I was talking to my mastermind group of three. And they could see my grandaughter around me, whom I feel often. They both said that she was pulling on my leg, and leading me out a doorway into bright light. While they were telling me their visions of her--which match mine, and they actually got the name I call her: Lilli. And one of them said 'Lillibell', and I said I could totally see myself calling her Lillibell--and then, I could hear her tell me "Come, Titi, come this way. Step into the light." One of them thought the light was me, to step into my own brightness. The other thought it may be something through the light that I am supposed to see, that may guide me to what it is I am supposed to do, since I am focusing on my Heart's Desire lately. I don't know ... I did go out into the courtyard to see if actually going through the door would tell me anything. The wind was blowing strongly yesterday, knocking on the walls as we had our threesome conversation. It was wild, like all three of us seeing her at the same time was making it more & more real. So as I stepped outside into the light and the wind, all these little white petals started swirling around me. Petals from the magnolia outside the front door. Isabel Tree. zing - Lillibell and Isabel are connected! I think they may be the same essence. How precious that she is going to come back to us through one of my daughters! I thought. Tears easily came as I stood there letting the feeling engulf me. Understanding this connection. Of course she is strong around me, she is my forever baby. Amazing, such a miracle.

That made me stop pushing for more. It made it clear that everything is perfect, the timing is divine. These are lessons I learned so easily after Isabel died, in deep grief, you are in this space of not being fully here. A piece of me left with her, just as a piece of her stayed with me. Connected, always in love. The colors changed around me then. I saw things anew, as if through a baby's eyes. I went through the winter in a haze, but as Spring came that year, everything looked so different to me. Yesterday, surrounded by the flurry of Isabel Tree's blossoms, I felt that swirling feeling again of deep sure inner calmness, the knowing that this life is so precious so perfectly timed and orchestrated. That there is a time for everything under heaven. That we are ALL precious perfect little pieces of heaven. That everything around us is magical, speaking softly. Are we still enough to hear? Or rushing on for the next thing? It was so clear in that wind, in the bright light that comes with wind through the trees, that being still and quiet and calm will bring me everything I've ever wanted. Because it lives within, always.

Because it is love. Everything happens bathed in love.

My daughter, whom I held in my arms only for a few hours, has lived lifetimes with me in the 11 years that have passed. She is my guiding angel, she spins magic around her daddy and I, and her siblings. How blessed am I to have held and angel? And to have the knowing inside of me that understands what that means, and that she lives on, and that she is still with me and can come back here too, when it is right.

I know what she is tugging me towards is this life, this calmness, this knowing that I am spreading outward to my daughters now. We are making the life that will be perfect for when she is to be born. Because she is very powerful and magical and we will need to be in that space too.

Thank you, angel. For birthing me when I birthed you. Entwined forever in the golden thread of love that never ends, even though this physical life does. You showed me this so clearly, and now I know I must share that, and live it fully.

And so it is.
❤

words fail.

2010-03-15T14:28:00.000-07:00

my writing here has been non-existent. i know it. i can't seem to put the words onto the screen like i do when i write with my pens into my journal pages. but my heart has been exploding lately. it has, and i am unable to express it with words here.

it's all about feeling. feeling and being in the moment. how do you convey those things accurately? ahhh, i wish i were a fabulous writer who could do just that; capture the hazy magical moments that seem to never end. bring my journey into focus. but it feels almost sacred. naked, pure.

what i can write is that i am spreading my wings, finding my way, being as authentic as i can be. finding new ways to grow and be fulfilled. my life is expanding, and i'm turning my fears into excitement, breathing life into them. and looking forward while loving what is.

❤

love=love=love.

2010-02-14T12:31:00.001-08:00

happy LOVE day
i love you
♥

bloom

2010-02-11T12:28:00.001-08:00

i have been searching for what it is that calls my heart, that speaks to my soul, that fulfills my life and the lives of others. and then today, in the halcyon haze, i hear soft whisper, right now ... it's all perfect right now. and i laugh. i believe in divine orchestration, in divine timing in everything. i believe that my life is this magical canvas and i can see how sparkly it all is. i truly can. and yet, i try to push sometimes. i've always been one to color outside the lines. i know i am not the person people thought i would be, but i am me. and i love who i am. i love every choice i have made. and so of course, of course right now is what it's supposed to be. i love where i am. i am in bloom.
♥

ready

2010-02-08T13:34:00.000-08:00

my heart is crying out. i feel like my senses are all on hyper mode. i think i am walking myself to another cliff edge, ready to make this big leap into my life. like really, really delving into what my life purpose is. i want to be living my dharma, what i can GIVE to the world. i want to delve into amazing crevasses of creativity and love, i want to spread these things like seeds and watch them grow. i have been content in learning and in my inner growth, but now, that seems to be no longer enough. i want so badly to know what it is that *I* am here for, what *I* can do in my unique authentic way to bring more love, joy, harmony, creativity, passion, excitement & action into my life & the lives of others. tears stream down my face, i am so ready.
i am so ready
i am so ready
i am
♥

sharing My Story, the new beginning:

2010-02-04T13:18:00.000-08:00

i am feeling such HUGE shifts, it's almost hard to put into words...

in the past, i have definitely felt like the U is talking to me in so many ways: songs, billboards, tv shows, videos, stuff like that. i know that when i am connected, i am led to see more love, more great things, more beauty. i also know what i have been learning for these past 2 years has been engulfing me & my life. i know my life is my mirror.

BUT ~ now, there has been a shift that is palpable in the last week or so.

it's hard to explain, the difference is such a fine line, but it has gone from knowing this stuff & doing things that reflect it to actually becoming it. it does not filter through my head anymore, it comes straight from my heart - at least most of the time now. before it just came in snippets, but all of a sudden, one morning i woke up & things were different: i went through a porthole, i had a quantum moment, and i am changed forever.

and now, everything around me is alive. Every Thing. it ALL talks to me. it all leads me to an even deeper knowing, understanding, feeling. i truly feel like water. like an open vessel.

i have been volunteering with the little kids doing art, omg, that has definitely been a part of my shift, the are so beautiful & free and i love giving myself to them. and i am writing, i am stepping into my life, my story, i am living on purpose, i am finding something every single day that scares me & that i know will affect others in a positive way. my heart grows.

the other day, because my 2 older girls are each going through things that are challenging right now, i invited them over. i had my other daughter there too. so Rosie, Mimi & Muffy were all here & before i even got them from the ferry, i spread love from my heart all around my house, on the way to pick them up, i set my intentions to flow love & be clear & that everything would go beautifully and for the highest good of all. when they were here, i gave them all moleskine journals and told them to write - to write how they want to be; how they see themselves in 6 months. as they did, i baked cookies & told them stories of my visions. of how i see us all by the sea, in a magical place, all of us, doing something that helps to elevate the planet, all of us giving from our unique selves. then, i did tarot readings for them all. my readings are a mixture of the cards, my intuition, my flow of love & i try to connect them to their inner power. i share my visions of how i see them, which is perfect & beautiful and omg, shining so incredibly brightly that its almost insane. i told them that part of the reason we are all stagnant & some of us feeling icky is because we have been putting off Our Stories. and that i want to step into my life again and have it be a story worth telling. i want it to be epic. i want to FEEL life and i see them doing the same thing. i shared some beautiful stories i had recently read & had them share some of their visions for their own stories.

O.M.G.! the power of that day has been reverberating throughout all of us since then.

each day, i feel better than the last, i wake up saying THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU - from a place so deep in my soul, i didn't even know it existed. i see so clearly how we are all connected in this tapestry, i see that my story flows into the bigger story. i bring love into everything i do.

birthday for an angel~

2010-02-03T15:21:00.001-08:00

our day to honor
Isabel Joy

starts with breaky at Hi-Lo's.
it's magical there.

then onto Poulsbo.
it's magical there too.
all day we were surrounded by
the most mystical vanilla sky.
we went to the water
to see & feel the beauty there
and then went to paint pottery.
creating in love
brings love
then on to the bakery
that is divinely delicious
and finally to
set free balloons
that float into heaven
our hearts
one
with hers
then playtime
joy
laughter, beauty, love
i love you
precious one
fly free

each moment a gift.

2010-01-30T12:54:00.000-08:00

our stories test our strength~inner and outer. what is my story? i am ready to live it! i am open to receiving it and letting go of the resistance. to move through the fear. to take not the easy path, but the one that makes you walk through the fire to get to the other side. and to deeply feel everything along the way. each moment a gift. i want to have courage, to do something that scares me every day. to push my own limits and bring positivity and love to those around me. i want to embrace the magic, the glittery stardust that surrounds me. i know i am lucky, i am blessed, and i believe. i believe.

life itself can be scary because we can not control it. we only have power in our choices. in what we do, what we say, how we act. we can quiet our minds of the useless, negative chatter and replace it with thoughts that resonate with our souls. that make our hearts leap. what we think and feel matters.

but life itself swirls in its own way, bringing positive and negative turns that we seldom see coming. things will always keep happening around us and to us, it's movement; the movement of life here on earth. it's freeing to accept that, to put down our swords and the words we curse against it. to let it be what it is and trust.

what really matters is what is within. is it a steady calm stream inside? or is it a raging river, winding and turning? churning up rocks and sediment creating an even harder path, or maybe even ending up in quick sand? when we let go and surrender, there is power in that. a quiet power, and we feel the waves subside. we feel the ease of movement, we hear our heart beat and feel our breath. we are steadied by a deep inner peace, a trust so full of knowing that there is no question. All Is Well is whispered within our soul and pumped through our veins.

the blizzard may still be going on around us, outside the tornado blows. but within we see the beauty of the storm, and we are able to see the eye in the center that shines so brightly pointing toward something even more amazing than we have ever seen before.

strawberry crepes = true love.

2010-01-29T11:49:00.000-08:00

everything looks like love.

2010-01-28T14:40:00.001-08:00

on my walk today by the beach,
i was surrounded by birds.
even this picture of the clouds above reminds me
of a flying bird.
so free.
so magical.
so beautiful.

this group of 9 geese
flew straight at me
honking, joining me
in laughter

in flight
a snapshot
of my soul

even when i saw a house
that was magical
and called to me
when i focused in
with the lense
what was there
but more birds!

there is no need
for attachment anymore
it's all about freedom
flying
soaring
reaching for more
letting go
surrender

and then above me
the sky opened up
it smiled at me
with a heart
love
everything looks like love

centering in my heart.

2010-01-27T16:07:00.000-08:00

open
i am open
and feeling
reaching inward
flowing outward
from heartspace
in love

this is my year of BEcoming. and i feel like i truly am centering in my heart where it matters. where the change begins. inside. and with me. then everything around me begins to shift too. it's really magical the life we live if you really open your eyes to it all, and FEEL. it's all about the feelings, baby. and love is my magic wand.

i have asked for more friends who understand and live this way too and i got it. i love all of these amazing brilliant bright lights in my life now. i feel totally supported and nourished and as though they give to me as i am giving to them. it's a very thriving expansive way to live!

i have been evaluating the things and people in my life because that sort of happens naturally when you start opening your heart and your eyes to everything around you. for a while now, i have been learning, taking this vision of life in, fully and completely. but now, this year, there has been a definite shift. i don't just talk about it anymore, i am really here, really present, really living it. walking the walk. and the main thing i am doing is staying open. not just talking about wanting to - putting it off somewhere in some imaginary future - but actually doing it. and i feel the connection in my solar plexus in a literal physical way. it is like a zing, the feeling of being on a roller coaster, the feeling of falling in love. it's real, it is Who I Am.

do you know how freeing that is to say? living in my truth. sharing who i really am, the authentic me, the one i was born to be. and i'm excited for what's next.

eleven

2010-01-19T08:18:00.000-08:00

11
how is it
possible
that time
has not stopped
like i thought it would
11
years since that moment
our moment
passing each other
in golden light
11
peace
i felt such peace
blissful aura
a melody in time
11
your heart
beat
under mine
in tandem
the rhythm
love
11
is a whisper
in my dreams now
a winged girl child
plays there
on cotton candy snow
free
11
time...
the goodbye we shared
became more of a
hello
than i could ever, ever
have imagined
11
now
your soul
covers mine
blending, swirling
alight
in love
always
♥

every day in every way it's getting better & better...

2010-01-14T15:36:00.000-08:00

love sent out

to the people of Haiti

compassion

my girlfriend said today "It's an interesting line when something like this happens. I can see the broader perspective of All is Well, and I know that it is. But I also feel compassion, deep, deep compassion for the people suffering in Haiti. I mean, yes, it's great to have a perspective of All is Well. Of course it is, but I don't ever want to lose my sense of compassion for others in times like these, for without compassion I could not send the amount of love and light that I have been sending."

i so agree. compassion is our glue, our connection. and what i really love is seeing all the people all over the world coming together in this. the love and compassion that is flowing is heartwarming, lifegiving. it's amazing what beauty and light that is bringing to everything. if we we are one, we feel each other's pain. and they can feel the love we send them too, i truly believe in that with my whole heart. and of course there's action: doing & giving whatever you can. this is all planting seeds for the future of all of us.
♥

flowing & swirling

2010-01-13T12:02:00.001-08:00

lately i have been painting & drawing a lot of swirls. and feeling the beautiful pulling in and flying back out of the circles. i'm not sure what it means, but it feels good. it makes me dizzy & giddy and flowy.

the word ACTION is big for me lately. i am feeling those bubbles in my belly that are calling me to DO.
what is stirring in me today? i ask myself as i write out the words in my journal.
act on your inspiration. i letter out underneath it.
and then the thought your actions are planting seeds ... they will grow pops out of my pen and doodles of leaves and hearts and flowers and bees and butterflies fill the page.
this is how i journal now, it is very flowy, very colorful, full of depth and texture. sometimes my words get lost in the colors or the swirls. but it feels more creative, more real, more ME than any of the bitching that i used to put into my journals. see? everything outward mirrors what is inward. truly. it seems to happen over night, like magic. it feels free & childlike & very exhiliratingly creative and rich.

my heart is full.
♥

one.eleven.ten

2010-01-11T16:40:00.000-08:00

my journal from this morning:

i can check one thing off my list from yesterday ... i made fudge and snickerdoodles. mmm. i am following my feelings about cooking and eating and feeling good about it, but i have been feeling for a while now, that in my near future is some kind of cleanse/fast/detox for my body. i keep getting messages on it lately, so i know it's close now. i know this time now is part of the internal preparation i need to go through before i start this. it's scary, but exciting all at the same time.

i love the bowl that the cookies are in. i painted it. Muffy painted the mug behind it that says everything is connected in the great circle of life. i love it. i miss painting cups & dishes ... we used to do it on Isabel's birthday. maybe this year, it's time to do it again. i never know what we'll do until we wake up that morning, and do it. see the gifts she gave me?

...a week from tomorrow...

it's like a whisper in the back of my mind. i hear it like a drum in my heart. it starts out quiet and becomes louder. the beat of love that only Isabel holds there. the secrets come to me in my sleep again. she is the child of my dreams and i hold that space sacred, a place where she and i share the love that a mother and daughter should. my husband mentions her too, i know his own heart is whispering to him as well. the imprint of time is strong here, it overlaps easily from January to January, folded as if there is no lapse. the link is love. it's always been love. i hear you, baby. i say. i close my eyes.

and i let it come.

inspirations...

2010-01-10T18:47:00.000-08:00

i want to be filled with passion. bowled over by inspirations. i want to give, share, love, laugh, soar...
lately, cooking & baking totally inspire me. don't these sound good?

i want to make snickerdoodles & fudge.

i want to make cheddar biscuits and big buttery shrimp.

i want to make homemade ice cream, creamy and fresh topped with hot fudge.

i want to make salmon with wild rice and asparagus drizzled with hollendaise and warm crusty bread & melted butter.

i want to make triple-layered peppermint bark: white, chocolate, white with crunchy candies on top.

i want to make the perfect creme brulee & crack it open with a pretty tea spoon.

i want to make homemade soups & fresh baked bread; and chicken cordon bleu with garlic masheds; and homemade macaroni & cheese with savory meatball subs; and the perfect delectable chocolate fudge cake with buttercream fudgey frosting...

being in the kitchen makes me happy :)
what's inspiring you lately?

goodbye.

2010-01-06T13:23:00.000-08:00

“The ones that love us never really leave us. You can always find them in your heart.” -Sirius Black.
❤
“The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone.” -The Blue Man, The Five People You Meet In Heaven

goodbye..hello, B. i love you. always.

growing wings.

2010-01-01T12:37:00.000-08:00

things feel very clear all of a sudden. i am highly in tune. synchs are strong:
kauai trees circle water sun moon stars. love laughter heart connections. change growth wings magical intuition authenticity. dreams flow connection creativity music words uplifting art. harmony co-creation sharing giving. appreciation compassion forgiveness unity knowing understanding.
lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove

love

***
i listen to myself, i know what i feel. it's clear. the clarity rings in everything i do touch taste feel. I FEEL. i listen to that space in my belly. it rings out in purity and light when i don't cloud it over with the fog of thought. when i stay in this little moment of what is.

i know all is well. do you know what peace that brings? its trust in yourself, in your life, its a harmony with everything. calm, clear; no need to be upset. 3rd eye openopenopen. spending time living. enjoying people; noticing, turning, tweaking.

being with my brilliant beautiful girls, watching them carve out their own space. blossoming, becoming. finding their footing, reaching for more. youthful, ripe. they know so much, they feel their lives, they walk their talk. i bask in their light.

being with my gorgeous growing little ones. two beings that are my gift, my link to an angel daughter. the two of them connected to her in a mystical way; i was shown them holding hands on cotton candy pink-vanilla clouds through hazy dreams. Isabel, my link to love and what is illusion and what is real. a gift only she could bring. the four of us connected in an arc of rainbow colors. all three of them showing me so much about life i never saw before, my trio. i used to wish it could be different, but know i know with such clarity that it could not be any other way.

i am so grateful. So Grateful. appreciation floods my veins and pumps through my heart illuminating it in bliss.

the stars fill the sky. the full moon sings through the branches of the trees. under quilts and sparkling blue lights, i wrap myself into the smooth hard warmth of my man, giving myself completely to the rapture we have created. together. all one.

life. anew.
❤ ~

jouette

magical blue moons & sparkly tents

2010-01-01T11:38:00.000-08:00

the blue moon on New Year's Eve was amazingly mystical & gorgeous with whisps of fog flowing by it. mesmerizing, captivating, glorious...

and we made a magical tent last night, complete with sparkly lights ~ it's the perfect cozy spot...

thank you, 2009, what a great year!

2009-12-31T16:48:00.000-08:00

here's to more beauty, love, laughter, creativity & joy in 2010 :)
cheers!
♥

a taste of holiday madness ❤

2009-12-28T09:05:00.000-08:00

Christmas vacations are always amazing ... here's a little smattering of ours.

from our home to yours, warm loving joyful holiday wishes ♥

it's beginning to feel a lot like christmas

2009-12-20T12:21:00.000-08:00

last week, i went to Bub AND Pea's classes to help with gingerbread houses. it was so much fun! those little stinkers are all so creative and i was amazed at their unique ideas and how no two houses looked the same. all those kiddos totally filled my heart with joy and their raw honest happiness in the moment.

we are heading east ... hopefully into white snow-covered terrain to celebrate the holidays with family. lots of screaming kids and happy adults and amazing food and fun games. i'm excited :)

LoveMuffins...

2009-12-17T15:27:00.000-08:00

my darling friend Penelope made her own batch of muffins this morning

and totally inspired me to make some similar ones: sour cream muffins with cranberries & chocolate chips. sprinkled generously with sugar and topped with melting butter.

tell me you can't taste that melting in your mouth! mmm. and according to her, love has no calories ♥

chocolate on chocolate

2009-12-16T19:36:00.001-08:00

what more could you ask for?

baking makes me happy.

***

lately, i have been observing things around me. i know everything surrounding me is reflecting something to me, it just depends on where my attention goes. my girl friend told me that if you linger on something for 17 seconds or more, it definitely has meaning. it's just up to you to interpret that. i'm finding it so much fun to observe my surroundings, me.

i am taking stock of my feelings, the way they slowly bubble up or *bam* are just there, burning flaming, gripping the whole of me.

i am so blessed to have such amazing friends. they teach me so much. as do my daughters. i love the way i have surrounded myself recently with these beings of light, who do not hesitate to radiate their truth and hearts with such grace. we are all finding our way, but it is so much easier to do it together. knowing i have this fills me with gratitude.

***

i pull my legs up under me in a butterfly, and slide my white notebook onto my lap. next to me, in his torn levis and jean-colored waffle shirt, he reaches for me with one hand and eats a cookie with the other. always touching, it's something that we do naturally, even if it's only our feet. Bub and Pea spread out next to us, and laugh infeciously at the Grinch's little dog with the branch in his head. Bub makes popcorn and the pup tries to eat it. Pea wiggles incessantly and for me, time slows down a little. i stop and let it fill me. this moment, a snapshot of my life, perfect in its imperfection.

what more could you ask for?
♥

a few of my favorite things...

2009-12-04T15:59:00.000-08:00

find things that inspire you
see things to appreciate
feel the joy of this moment
know the fullness of your heart
♥

journal pages...true breathings of my heart.

2009-12-03T13:12:00.001-08:00

i feel like my voice is stuck inside my throat lately. i have so much i want to let out, but there it stays. so i draw and i read and i bake. i play with the littles. i take pictures. i look back on old journal pages and read other blogs for inspiration. sometimes, as i read, tears just flow. i feel the resonance. it is that - right there - the conjoining of souls that happens when we share true bits of ourselves that touches me so deeply. our stories overlap and weave together and that? is love.

...a love like that.

2009-12-01T14:44:00.000-08:00

appreciation

2009-11-27T14:13:00.000-08:00

our turkey was delicious. the games were hilarious & fun. the gussying up & getting ready & taking of family photos was a little touch & go. the laying on the couch, piled on top of each other, so full we could hardly breathe & watching movies was perfect. the pies & fudge were divine. our day was magnifique!

appreciation appreciation appreciation ♥

~*~hope everyone had a fabulous thanksgiving~*~

i want to write.

2009-11-20T16:20:00.001-08:00

i want to write. i want to bare my soul. i want to flow when i sit here in front of this blank white page with the line, blinking at me, pulsating, waiting...

my dreams are alive lately. i have been paying attention to them and they are just as real as my waking life is. they synch together, one plays off of the other always and in all ways. i am awake in my dreams now, the way i am awake in my life. it's so powerful. i trust them, that they are windows into my soul and that they tell me things, whispered in vanilla clouds and through flashes of light. my intuition grows daily. i follow my feelings, my guidance. i trust me.

***

cupcakes. chocolate whip on top of moist chocolate in little white cups. they sit cooling on the rack in front of the kitchen window; the ones we didn't eat while frosting them, that is. the winter chill is here early this year. blustery weather that makes you want to hybernate. but it is warm and homey in here, we are blessed. Bub & Pea went with me to Target today for clay & paints and the cupcake stuff found its way into the cart. the clay creations are drying in the oven, but Bub & Pea don't want to wait for them to dry, they just want to paint. it's funny how children need to move from thing to thing to thing. when do we grow out of that? maybe we don't and we just try to force ourselves into something we're not.

my children tell me stories while we drive and bake and create. i fall into the abyss of the moment. just being. it feels amazing and magical. they are my teachers and i honor them. all five of them, and my man; not just a family, but a soul family. my dream life of days past, i am living it now. and it's not like anything has changed in the physical sense. we just see the magic now. our eyes are open to the miracles around us. our hearts are open.

thankful.

lemon pie.

2009-11-18T11:02:00.000-08:00

perfect for a grey rainy day...

2009-11-12T14:02:00.001-08:00

magic all around
the light
the sounds
the breathings of my heart
my feelings
make me soar
they take me to places unknown
there is a place deep inside my belly
that glows
the embers never die
they await the next moment
i am awake
to this moment
this magic
this bliss
this wonder
fire
blazing
in my soul

let your light shine.

2009-11-05T11:29:00.000-08:00

~*~

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
~Marianne Williamson

~*~

what really matters

2009-09-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

sometimes
a wake up call comes
in disguise
and with that
comes feelings flooding in
knowing & reflecting
and then looking at things
from a totally different perspective
a paradigm shift
and then after everything clears
and you can take a breath again
everything becomes so
crystal clear
to
what really matters
love

time

2009-09-06T13:14:00.000-07:00

i don't know
time
what does it mean
i feel like it is
fragile
because the way we perceive it
is fragile
like we need to hold on
and the moving of it
scares us
i want to embrace it
love it
with my whole heart
because love
is my magic wand
pulling it into me
becoming one
understanding
weaving
grateful
then letting it slip thru
the swirling light flutters
uncapturable
free
rippling outward
and then whooshing back inward
my heart
expands
and finally
i understand
i woud not change
a single moment
of this magicalness
wrapped up
in the bubble
of time
♥

ciao, summer.

2009-09-02T15:22:00.000-07:00

There are no good-byes,
where ever you'll be,
you'll be in my heart.
~Mahatma Gandhi

the bubbies headed back to school today. they looked so adorable this morning, all dressed & ready & eating their Lucky Charms, sleep in their eyes. shy in the car as i dropped them off, and my son~always the loving one~kisses me goodbye as i tell them to have a fantabulous first day. driving away, my heart lurched a little, thinking of the quote above...

then later, all excited when they arrived home again, all disheveled, laces undone, hair flying everywhere, talking a mile a minute about their days. the dog jumping all over them & me getting a snack & putting their backpacks away...

the return of chaos sounds so good after a day of silence.

and these are the moments i treasure about being a mom ♥

day 31 of 31 days.

2009-08-31T22:28:00.000-07:00

good bye, Appreciation August.

you were such a lovely month ♥

Mimi came today & we laughed & talked & went to the store for Bub and Pea's school supplies. 2 sets of rulers, crayons, #2pencil-sets, erasers, tissue boxes, paper, tablets, markers, etc. and $60.00 later, we come home & pack back packs. tomorrow i'll do their last-minute laundry & then Wed, they start their school year.

later on, when Andy got home, we ate dinner out as a family. meatball pizza. eggplant parmesiana. italian sodas. red-checkered table cloths. a candle in a chianti bottle, wax dripping all over it. family chatter. laughter, sharing, harmony. i have such love & appreciation for every bit of it :)

we no longer have a vehicle that holds all of us, so we took my little car & Andy and Muffy rode on the motorcycle. we tried to race them home. it didn't happen. LOL. it was fun playing that maybe we could tho. Bub & Pea were wild little indians in the way home in the backseat the way they always are any time we feed them. little nuts. i loved every minute of it.

now, after another wonderful day & an awesome month focusing on all the great things in my life, i sit here in bed, cute little white notebook in my lap while my hun watches Planet Earth on Discovery next to me, pup & bubbies in their beds, big girls having sister-chat downstairs, and i think to myself ... what a wonderful world ♥

beauty of life

2009-08-30T23:11:00.000-07:00

i love all the beauty around me :)

we went to see my brother & his adorable wife today. had a fabulous time. the girls went for a walk after the delish dinner of homemade ribs:

Pea was walking down this amazingly magical path. beautiful :)

then we caught this magnificent sunset from the ferry~

my heart breathes

2009-08-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

Wisdom tells me I am nothing.
Love tells me I am everything.
Between the two,
my life flows.
♥
-Sri Nisargadatta

i am so glad that my man is not working away anymore.
we both are.
but we are grateful, still.
during that time apart, we learned so much.
mainly, that We Don't Like Being Apart.
***
our little ones
start school again next week.
i know it's inevitable
but i so love summertime
and their laughter
and their messes
and their art & dreams & imagination & play.
it fills me & expands me
i am so blessed.
i will miss their beingness
here with me.
***
i'm going to try
to sell the house
& start to pack
for our new life,
my dreams,
my reality...
becoming one.
cheers!
♥

i live in an amazing place...

2009-08-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

LaPush Beach...

smorgasbord of savoryness

2009-08-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

i love yummy food...

homemade bread, steaming hot, with butter melting on it

delicious homemade mac&cheese with chorizo, it's such a cheesy, spicey combo!

i made this tomato pie with fresh tomatoes, it is the most melt-in-your-mouth goodness i have had in a looongg time.

and the final touches: beautiful flowers from my soul sister & delicious beer straight from the brewery...

gratitude fills my heart

2009-08-24T10:30:00.000-07:00

day 24.

today, i have no words, no words for how grateful i am to have these 2 people in my life...

my pop, a genius, and yet just a man...i love that i have known him all my life and have seen all sides of him. he is an amazingly diverse person, so much fun to talk to & hear how his mind works. he is the most open and generous person you could ever meet. my pop "gets it" he always has - even if he tries to pretend sometimes that he doesn't. he is brilliant at everything he tries and i am so blessed to have his blood flowing thru mine.

and my beautiful-in-every-way (step)mom, whom we all love indescribably ... she is such a tiny person, but her heart is humongous. she is always smiling, she is hilarious, generous, open, loving, understanding ~ just so much fun and she & my father make the perfect pair. i am so glad they have each other.

and i am beyond grateful to have them both. i love you, pop & jodee!

magical cottage by the sea...

2009-08-23T22:29:00.000-07:00

today, i visited the cutest most magical sweet cottage by the water...

and, my friend Tracy is going to move there next month! i'm so excited! we're going to have a shop together. i'm selling our house & we're going to get a shop and i'm going to have my very own magical cottage by the sea that i have been dreaming of for years now.

i am grateful for my dreams ... coming true ♥

happy birthday, baby

2009-08-22T19:05:00.001-07:00

day 22...

i feel so much love in my soul for this man.

he has been the best partner, husband, lover, soulmate, father of my babies, best friend anyone could ever ask for. thru thick & thru thin, high & low and everything in between. i love him more than i can express...and so do all of his beautiful children. i love this pic of him, happy in the midst of all of us, making us laugh even in all the chaos...

today, we spent the day where NO ONE (who doesn't have a pocket full of cash) wants to spend their birthdays....at the car dealership dealing with them over our dead dinosaur suburban. but he stayed calm & made me smile. thank you - for being you. YOU are my ONE THING & i am grateful for you beyond words :)

happy birthday, babe.

days 20&21

2009-08-21T11:41:00.000-07:00

& love fills my heart. my friend Tracy & some of her family is here and it's so much fun! even when we wait 2 hours for dinner on Thursday night and our truck breaks down going to LaPush to play on the werewolf beach on Friday (which was awesome, even if we all squeezed into T's mountaineer like sardines).

i know that in everything there is meaning & a miracle, and there is appreciation for that.

day 22 is my man's birthday & another 2 hour drive back to our dead truck (which is going to be too expensive to fix this time) & figuring out what to do from there...

wish us luck, thanks :)

my 19th day in gratitude...

2009-08-19T20:43:00.000-07:00

and i'm feeling really great, just letting the feeling of appreciation flow through me...

i love love love seeing between the lines & i feel like i am really coming into my own. i see & feel really cool things on the horizon.

Muffy comes home tonight from the Land of Enchantment! we have missed her, it'll be great to see her beautiful face & hug her :)

Bub & Pea love riding around the 'hood flying free.

aahhh, to be a kid again!

flowers & Tracy

2009-08-18T23:11:00.000-07:00

i planted beautiful flowers into the earth with my littlest daughter. our hands were dirty & we were sweaty in the sunshine. it felt wonderful.

then Bub, Pea & i met my sweet friend Tracy. she brought me fresh colorful eggs, rose quartz crystals & sensuous incense.

we met her in Poulsbo & there was shoe-shopping, huge donut-eating, Lev beer sharing,

wonderful chat with her & her children while mine flittered around us. then we had dinner by the waterfront, tide was way in, the sky was sunny and clear.

after taking her to the ferry, Bub & Pea & i stopped to admire the glorious sunset down the street from our home.

such a busy & joyful day.

3 beauties

2009-08-17T19:27:00.000-07:00

these gorgeous girls amaze me. every day i am grateful for each one of them and the gifts they bring to my life. we look at them and can't believe how fast time has flown, how much they've grown & how much they've taught us in their unique ways. they are so much more than each of us are alone - we are so grateful they chose us as their parents...

2009-08-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

{sixteen has always been my favorite number}

today my son & i went to the store. he asked me if i believed in dreams. i told him that i do & he said i believe that dreams come true too, mom. and he told me about a dream before we went to the lake where he dreampt he was a whale. and then we got to spectacle lake & he was in the lake and felt exactly like he did in the dream as a whale and he stayed in the water extra long.

i love these conversations with Bub, he is so cute and always asks me the coolest questions. he asks if i liked being a kid and why, what was my favorite thing about it. he asks if i thought my imagination could think up things that could happen in real life. he asks what i think is the most important thing in life.

in this particular conversation, we talked for a while about our dreams and then i told him that i dreampt of him and here he is. {which is true, i did dream of a dark-haired, brown-eyed baby boy many times when i was pregnant with him, and even before he was conceived} and he answered, when i was in your tummy, i dreampt of having a wonderful family, and look at me now! beaming up at me, beautiful brown chocolate pie eyes gleaming.

look at me now.

{i am SO lucky & so so so appreciative of my life & moments like this.}

fifteen...

2009-08-15T23:54:00.000-07:00

this was a day of friendships.

powerful things come from feeling joyful, loved, sharing, connecting.

my girlfriends who i consider sisters and i have been really, really having fun lately! i ♥ them & am so appreciative of the connection we have with each other and how it all came about (very, very intuitively & magically & a tad bid "out there" LOL).

later, my man & i went to a party & took bub & pea. we all had a really nice time connecting with friends over yummy bbq, shared salads, birthday cake.

our life is very magical right now, and i am loving every delicious moment of it!

fourteen days of feeling good

2009-08-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

appreciation, appreciation, appreciation...

i hear it whispered in my ear in a voice that is familiar & full of energy, the energy that life is made of. swirling in my head before i even wake up. my body feels electric on the inside, very alive. i love feeling this strong wave of appreciation flow through me, in & out as it pleases, i am just the vessel. open to all is wellness.

mmm.

i won $5.00 on a scratch ticket today - Bub & Pea love to do them (even though they're not supposed to push the buttons on the machine, lol - but they are magic & they always win). then Bub opened his box of Gushers & we won another $5.00 on a Discover gift card! w00t! so much fun.

so then we all went to dinner at the little Mexican joint down the street. margaritas were the perfect topper to this day. afterward, my hun & i sat out on our patio talking animatedly about everything in our hearts. our life? is really, really nice.

thank you :)

Aug 13th. this month is flying by~

2009-08-13T21:54:00.001-07:00

i live through my heart & that alone is an entire blog post, but for now, i am so grateful for these little things in my life right NOW...

*my hunky hot hubster is laying next to me. it feels comfortable, easy, harmonic & like love. 2 more weeks of him working away during the week, we have both learned so much. mostly, that we don't like being apart ;)

*my bubbies are lying in the twin beds in Bub's room, sleeping together because Pea's curtain rod fell off the wall. i love hearing their little whispery voices, it reminds me of when my brother Billy & i used to sleep together and whisper into the night about everything under the sun.

*and lastly, for delicious chocolate chip oatmeal cake that is to die for and a steamy hot rich cup of coffee made by my man.

day 12. The Best Juice Ever.

2009-08-12T20:18:00.000-07:00

my son, dirty disheveled and beautiful, smelling like wet puppy in the August humidity, bounds in happily out of breath.

try this, mom. he says and hands me a plastic juicy-juice bottle with dark goo stuck to the side and purply juice inside of it. his hands are dirty and stained, like his little boy mouth--always something on it, always. i look at him and ask what it is and before i can finish, he pushes the bottle toward me and says, try it!

he smiles at me as i lift the bottle, goo-side out, to my lips and blackberry slides across my tongue. isn't it good, mom? he asks as he leans his dark head way in to see the juice actually hit my lips.

yes, son. i answer, smiling at him, exchanging trust between our eyes, and love from mother to son, and a million other things in one flash of a second.

he tells me that he squished blackberries and added water and made his own juice. The Best Juice Ever. he is so proud as he bops back outside to his sister and his friends.

it really IS the small things...my heart is full & i am grateful.

what happened on the 11th that should have been on the 12th....

2009-08-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

11. eleven. 11. such a magical number ~ i love it!

so today, my real estate guru came at 1pm. AND, i had her scheduled for tomorrow at one. surprise, surprise! but she was here today, all excited and ready to go & thankfully Mimi helped me pick up around here yesterday, so it was fine. it was actually probably perfect - i mean, why else would it have happened like that?

so, we meet again in a few days & go over everything and sign a contract with her if we wanna go ahead with this whole thing. and i do. i really feel so out of here already. it's TIME.

i'm excited. i'm scared. i'm nervous. i'm ready for what's next.

Pea, however, actually physically teared up while she was here, looking over the house. little nut. it's everything she's always known. i understand how she feels. my whole married life is here, my children, their babyhoods, their growing-ups, their lives happened here too.

but today? today, i am grateful for surprises and for this wonderful home, and for new beginnings...

ten.

2009-08-10T22:12:00.000-07:00

bye sweetheart~see you on Thursday night. i love you ♥